Loss

I have been trying to decide whether or not to write for awhile now.  I started a post on New Year's Day, forgot to save it & lost it all when I got interrupted.  I was so frustrated & decided to just wait-and here I am five months later finally trying again.  I thought we were at a very low point on New Year's Day, but it was nothing compaired to where we are now.

In my last post I gave an overview of the struggles we were dealing with & that I had withdrawn consent but I ended with the part where we had decided to go back to DD.  We did, and all the talking & planning & "things we had put in place" to help, just slowly went away & inconsistancy & anger returned.  They grew & I finally lost it & screamed, yelled, pushed & finally got punished & cried buckets of tears & asked him over & over if this lifestyle was really what he wanted & he insisted that it was.  I had started reading blogs again but not commenting very much but at that point I stopped reading unless it was one I had subscribed to via email-those ones I still read because they came to me & I didn't have to go looking.  I had brought up boot camp many times but I brought it up again & asked if he thought it would help, he wasn't sure.  I brought up marriage counseling & said I thought we should go back, we went for awhile several years ago & it had helped but then we went through a really tough time financially & needed to stop for awhile & then found our way to DD which seemed to work even better (for awhile at least) than the counseling.  He agreed that we should go & I asked that he, as HoH be the one to set up the appointment, again he agreed.  I found a list of people that took our insurance & sent it to him, that was before Christmas.  We did not have our first session until February, and I was the one who eventually called & set it up.  He kept saying he would call & "forgetting" to do so.  I was considering withdrawing concent again when he decided he wanted to do a bootcamp weekend with me.  So I did it, we prepared-we read through everything in the packet we got and we tailored it more to ourselves.  Our youngest is still nursing so we made arrangements for the kids to be with family close by so that she could come home at night to sleep in her own bed & then go back the next day.  Unfortunately this didn't work out exactly as we had hoped (she came home much earier than planned) so we modified things again & finished up the main physical part of the bootcamp after she was in bed.  It was very challenging-we had been intimate early in the day, but we both felt the need again & that part was great.  We felt so connected, the homework assignments were especially helpful & we felt really great about how the weekend had gone.  But by the next weekend his inconsistancy & my bad attitude were back. I asked again, was he really sure this was what he wanted, that I didn't want him to do this if it was just for me, he swore to me it was what he wanted & that he believed it was the right thing for us.  He asked me (again) to please bear with him-he knew that it had been taking him a very long time to put in the real effort, but that he was really going to try harder this time.  I believed him because I wanted it to be true.  That is why I have always tried to believe what he says to me....

A few weeks later was my birthday, it was also spring break for our oldest & so we asked that he babysit so that Clark & I could have a night to go to dinner & a movie without worrying that we were inconveniencing anyone by having to pick the baby up late.  We went to my favorite place to eat, I have a certain dish that I always get there because it's just the best!  We also always get the same appitizer every time-I know this might sound boring but we don't really get to go often so it's not really boring if you only go 3-4 times a year ; ).  Anyway, we got our regular appitizer & I had a little but felt extremely turned off to it & couldn't have anymore.  When it came time to order I actually decided I wanted to try something new.  Clark was very surprised & asked me several times if I was really sure, but I was.  I loved the meal I ordered & didn't regret my decision one bit.  When dinner was over we headed to the movie theater.  We got there just as the movie I wanted to see was starting-when we went to buy the tickets the boy behind the counter told us that the heat in the theater our movie was playing in was not working well & said we could go in & check it out before we bought the tickets in case it was too cold for us.  So we did-it was freezing so I told Clark I didn't want to stay.  We went and got a Redbox movie instead (I honestly do not remember what the movie was).  To take one step back, my birthday fell on a Saturday this year & Saturdays are a maintenance day in our house.  A little over a week before I had asked Clark if we could skip maintenance on my birthday & his response was "we'll see".  I was very upset & hurt by this response, we had been struggling with Clark doing what we refered to as "power tripping" from time to time & that is what I felt this was.  I felt like I wanted to blow up but I didn't.  I let it go for that moment & brought it up again later when I was feeling calm & could talk about it and explain my feelings without anger getting in the way.  Maintenance was something we had been doing on Wednesday & Saturday nights but the consistancy at that point wasn't there.  I was always left wondering if it would happen or not until right before it did or didn't.  In many cases we would be in the basement (where we conducted all spankings unless we were the only ones home), and he would be getting ready to lecture and then say, that we would just do a "fun" spanking rather than maintenance that night.  We had gone from doing only playful spankings as foreplay up until we found DD & then to only punishment & maintenance & then had recently decided that we wanted to bring the "fun" ones back.  I felt like I should have been happy when he would change his mind & do a fun one instead, but I felt let down, and a bit confused.  I didn't want to discourage him though & so I tried to just follow his lead & trust his decisions.  Anyway, I didn't think that asking respectfully if we could skip maintenance for my birthday would be met with a "we'll see".  I talked to him about it & explained my feelings & he said he was sorry for "power tripping", he said that when I asked he just thought that if he said yes I might think that I had a "free pass" for the day.  I assured him that this wasn't the case since there have been other special days when I have been punished (like Christmas for instance), so I wouldn't assume I could just break our rules intentionally or otherwise & get away with it.  He then said once more that he was sorry about his first response & that of course we would skip the maintenance for my birthday-but we would do a "fun birthday" one instead.  So fast forward back to my birthday, we got home with our Redbox movie & all the kids were up since we were home a few hours earlier than we had planned, so we did bed time with the little ones & the oldest went off to do his own thing.  We finally put on the movie, but I was really having a hard time staying awake.  This is not really like me, I'm a total night owl, but I just could not fight it.  So when the movie was over Clark woke me up & brought me upstairs to go to bed-to sleep.  I was disappointed, but I was really too tired to do anything else.  I was doubly disappointed because I expected my monthly curse the next day.  But, it didn't come, so we made up for missing out on "birthday sex" the next day (but it was minus the "fun" spanking, there was nothing talked about, it just didn't happen).  By Wednesday, Clark was a bit concerned that my curse still hadn't come.  I thought it was most likely just delayed by stress, but when he said he was going to get a pregnancy test I said ok, thinking that there was no way it would be positive anyway.  To provide a little more understanding-we tried for a few years to get pregnant with our youngest, but in the end had to do several (heartbreaking) rounds invitro fertilization (IVF) in order to finally have her.  The doctors that we dealt with during that time estimated that the odds of us getting pregnant on our own were between 1-2 percent.  Our plan had been that Clark would have a vasectomy after our last child was born so that we would not have to worry about birth control once our family was complete.  However, based on that information as well as the fact that we had tried for so long on our own and had no luck at all Clark decided that a vasectomy was not necessary.   When he told me that he didn't think it was necessary I said that if that was the decision he wanted to make I was ok with it, BUT, if I ever did happen to get pregnant, he needed to know that HE would just have to be ok with that, because there was no way I would ever terminate a pregnancy, not even if things might be tight financially for a bit.  He said he understood & that of course he would never ask me to do that.  So you can imagine my surprise, shock, and hurt, when Clark looks at me and says "so, if you are pregnant, are you going to go through with it?"  I sat there for a minute not saying a word because at first I was honestly confused by his question & then it finally clicked to me exactly what he was asking and I said very calmly, "are you joking right now?  I really hope you are, because you already know damn well what my answer to that is, and I cannot believe you even asked me that."  He looked at me and said "I figured that is what you would say, but I just wanted to make sure, sorry."  I really tried to let it go & not dwell on it, but it was very hard for me.  The next morning I still thought it was a waste of money to do the test, but I did it & was TOTALLY shocked to see the bright blue plus sign. I texted Clark & he came running into the bathroom.  I was shaking looking at the positive test.  He looked like he had just had the wind knocked out of him, but he hugged me & said "everything will be ok baby, why are you crying?  I'm not mad at you."  Mad at me??  I thought, why on earth would you be mad at me???  "I am very shocked", I said, "I didn't think you were mad at me at all, I mean what exactly would I think you would be mad at me about anyway?"  "Oh, I don't know, I just wanted to make sure you knew I wasn't."  I went back to getting ready for work & so did he, we went about our day, he had said that we shouldn't tell anyone about the baby for awhile because he was worried about how people (his family) would react.  I texed him later in the day to tell him that I needed to talk about it with someone & since our oldest was home for a visit I wanted to tell him.  He took it well & was funny about it, he joked with Clark about it later that day and the tension around the news seemed to ease just a bit.  The following week I had some spotting & called the doctor, they sent me for blood work & my numbers looked great, so they sent me for an ultra sound & I got to see the flicker of the heartbeat.  I was so excited, Clark wasn't as excited as I was but he wasn't being negative about it anymore.  We went to our marriage counselor & shared the news.  I also shared my hurt & anger about Clark having asked me if I would go through a horrendous & painful ordeal to kill the baby & Clark got a little defensive asking why I had to
say it that way?  Why couldn't I have just said that he asked me to terminate.  I said "because I do not sugar coat the facts".  The counselor said "So Scarlet, is it true that you want Clark to communicate his feelings with you?"  I had a feeling I knew where this was going but I answered "yes" and the counselor went on "but when he did, you thought he should have kept those feelings to himself?"  "Yes," I said, "in this case I do think he should have kept that to himself.  There are some things that are better left unsaid, hurtful, awful, unhelpful things that are only going to cause problems, and this is one of them.  If he needed to freak out & say he was scared or tell me that part of him was disappointed because this means our "weekend away" clock is reset I could understand & I would have listened & even commiserated with him, but what he chose to "share" was not just his feelings, it was a request for me to do something that he already knew I would NEVER do, something that is awful & against my religious & moral beliefs (for me-it is not a judgement on anyone else's choice).  So, if he needed to say that, I wish he had said it to someone else, because they could & would have told him not to say it to me, because EVERYONE who knows me knows I would never say yes to that."  I know it's the therapist's job to make us see both sides of each situation, but I felt like my feelings didn't mean anything.  And later, towards  the end of the session, there were some other things said that made me realize that I was not facing facts about our DD journey & so later that night after the kids were in bed I told Clark that I felt it was time to put an end to DD because I just didn't feel like I could continue to leave myself open to him in that way since the communication & honestly was not where it should be between us.  I also let him know that in addition to DD, I was no longer open to "fun/playful" spanking or any mention of anything to do with that dynamic at all.  He made a few weak attempts to say that he didn't want to give up on it, but after listening to everything I said to him he finally let it go. He threw up & then came back & started apologizing for not doing a good job as HoH & also for not telling me sooner that being HoH was too much for him because he needed to work on himself & get to a place were he is being honest & communicating consistently & then he thought we would be ready to go back to DD.  I told him that I am not able at this point to hold out hope for that happening.  I felt (still feel), completely betrayed, hurt & angry at him, but at myself as well.  I am mad at myself because I continued to trust his words even though his actions didn't match up.  I am mad at myself for opening myself up they way I did & letting myself get hurt so deeply.  I am mad at myself for sharing that part of myself that I can never quite cover up again.  I unsubscribed to all of the DD sites, I just cannot handle reading about it at this point.  I deleted all of the "secret" pictures & txts & DD related lists & reminders I had set up for myself, and as I did this I felt parts of myself disappearing along with it.  Like I mentioned before, spanking had been part of our foreplay almost from day one-but that is all gone.  Me feeling like I can depend on him is all gone.  We had experimented sexually quite a bit over the last 3 years but I relate all of that to the dynamic & so all of that is gone for me as well.  I have always been very attached to music, I love to sing, I love to dance-I can almost never sit still when I hear most kinds of music, but I haven't been able to listen in weeks because so many songs remind me of us & what we no longer have.  He began to be the "super nice bend over backward for you boy" that I just cannot handle.  I began  working on rebuilding the  protection walls in order to keep myself safe.  And then in my ninth week of pregnancy I had some very light spotting.  The Doctor sent me for an ultrasound, and they were unable to find the baby's heartbeat.   The Doctor went over my options with me (none were great), I ended up opting for a D & C just due to issues with time off from work, as it seemed like it would take the least time & the recovery was not too bad either.  But it was horrible walking into the hospital where I had my last baby knowing I would be walking out that day without my baby.  I was under anesthesia for the proceedure so I didn't feel any physical discomfort, it was just a terribly emotional thing to endure.  Clark has been trying to be nice to me, he has been trying to be supportive.  But loosing DD & then loosing my baby was just so devistating that I am really not able to be comforted by him at this point.  A few of my IRL girlfriends have been checking on me via txt and I am trying to be honest that I am still having a tough time, but that I just need time & prayer in order to get through it.  I just don't want to hear all the "everything happens for a reason" and "be happy with the healthy beautiful kids you have" lines-I know all of that!  I really do, but it doesn't change the pain in my heart, or make my guts feel any less wrenched out.  I really do just need some time to greave for my lost baby, as well as the loss I feel of the intimacy that I had with my husband. And there is no one to talk to about this part of it.  My family (extended-parents & siblings etc) can see that I am depressed but they only know about the baby & some may know that Clark & I are having a tough time, but they don't really know or understand why.  I can't even talk to my therapist about it, because I can never let anyone know about the physical aspect of DD without worrying about Clark possibly getting arrested.  I have agreed to work on our marriage, and I will but I am just not going to get my hopes up about returning to DD in case he isn't able to make the changes needed to be HoH.  I am so hurt right now that I can't even imagine putting myself back into his hands in that way even though I am missing the sense of security I had on & off over the past 3 years.  We have agreed to give ourselves a year to see what happens in the baby department, but other than that everything else is up in the air.  So, that is where we stand, which leaves me feeling like I shouldn't even be writing here since I am not a Submissive wife anymore-I just really didn't know where else to turn.
Scarlet

Promised recipe & an overview of recent struggles...

Hi there, it's been a bit since I last posted or even read a blog...I have been really busy but that's not the reason for my absence.  We have been having a bit of a tough time.  Not just DD wise but overall relationship wise, I haven't felt like there was anything I could write about & share because I have been so confused.  Sad & angry one minute & then happy & hopeful the next....it's been a roller coaster & not the fun kind.  I know this community is here & supportive but I just feel very alone right now.  I love my husband & he loves me, we will work it out, but the interim is really hard.  I don't want to go into all the details & tell the whole long dawn out story but the overview is this;  we communicate VERY differently (even more than just the normal male vs. female differences).  We were also raised was VERY differently.  Although we have been together a long time, it is still not something we have been able to correct consistently.  My MIL (mother in law) is a controlling tyrant.  She is an ice queen & she has never had a real conversation with, or listened to my husband. My husband has never known true & unconditional love from the person who carried him & gave birth to him, he has always had to lie to her & hide his true self to avoid upsetting her.  He has always avoided conflict & hidden his true feelings from her because he knew he would never "win".  Unfortunately this has carried over into our relationship & so there are times that my husband is not honest with me & does not communicate his true feelings and/or intentions with me.  I am a passionate "wear my heart on my sleeve" type person.  I feel everything & I have very good instincts.  I also have very serious trust issues so when I can feel dishonestly but can't place it I get scared start to panic & that makes me angry & sometimes leads to me becoming very irrational & loosing it-not something I am proud of.  One of the things we have been working on with DD is my temper & "passionate outbursts" (for lack of a better term).  Unfortunately when "passionate outburst girl" meets "avoid conflict & placate the aggressor boy" things just fall apart for us very quickly.  I need honesty & open communication & he knows it but doesn't quite know how to give that to me "under pressure".  I have come a long way where my (hair trigger) temper is concerned, but honestly?  I still have a ways to go.  Clark has come a long way with learning to communicate with me, but he too has a ways to go.  To be clear, he isn't dishonest about "important" things.  He has always been faithful to me & our family, he doesn't blow money or gamble or go out til the wee hours of the morning.  We always know where the other is, he doesn't make big decisions without talking things over with me.  It's little things, it's down playing a situation where he is in the wrong, or making himself look better by embellishing a story.  It's occationally going too far with something & then back peddling & denying, causing us to have a deep void between us, rather than just apologizing & being able to move forward together.  When I am not in the moment-later on analyzing or what-have-you, I realize & can see how very sad it all is.  In the moment I watch before my eyes as my big strong man becomes a panicked little boy, desperate to placate, avoid & end the conflict but only perpetuating it by furthering the dishonesty.  Seeing that transformation causes me to feel out of control & then I panic as well.  This is the vicious cycle we find ourselves caught in every so often, usually during times when things are more stressful for one reason or another. There have been a lot of these types of situations over the past few weeks & last week it got really bad, like pre DD us yelling & screaming & (me) swearing and finally I withdrew consent.  Although we had agreed back in May when we redid our rules & contract that I would not withdraw concent again, I would just ask for the 24hr clause, we both felt that a withdrawal of consent was what made sense in this situation.  We were able to communicate & made a lot of progress over the weekend, in coming up with some ideas, putting plans in place, & identifying reasons & triggers for this awful cycle.  Everything is not perfect, this will take time  & a LOT of effort and commitment on both our parts in order to fix this issue long term.  As far as DD goes, as we were about to fall asleep last night he could tell there was something on my mind although I hadn't quite worked out what I wanted to say & whispered "what is it babe?"  I felt shy & nervous to ask the question but I hesitantly lifted my head off his shoulder & whispered haltingly in his ear, "are we-ah, are we going back?"  "To DD you mean?" He asked me.  I ducked my head & nodded into his chest.  "My feelings haven't changed about this Babygirl.  Yes, we will go back."  I felt a mix of relief & nervousness settle into my stomach.  "So...as of right now?  Will I...will I get punished because of everything that happened while we weren't?" (Meaning the huge blowout we had had, my emotional eating fallout which breaks the rules we have (that I asked for) in place to help with my weight loss & just basically trying to live/eat in a healthier way, & a few other little things).  "No, I am not going to punish you for this, it's already been painful enough for both of us.  But...we should do something...." He replied.  I shivered a little & he pulled me closer "a reset?" I asked (in the past they have typically been more intense physically than a punishment, but without the awful feeling that I have disappointed him).  "Yes, I think a reset is what we will need to do."  He said.  Originally the reset was to happen tonight, but because of my curse (aka monthly visitor), he agreed to wait until it goes away to adminstor it....on one hand I hate waiting, but on the other, most of the time we are intimate after a spanking, but we are not when I have my curse, because I am so uncomfortable about it.  I felt better this morning when we sent each other our customary good morning txts....

Clark : "Good morning my Babygirl"

Me: "Good morning Sir".                      

(I had really missed them since I had pulled consent the week before).

Here is the recipe I promised:

               Ricotta egg biscuits 

2 eggs

2 tsp vanilla

1 container of ricotta cheese

2 sticks of butter

2 cups sugar

4 cups flour

1 tsp baking powder

1 tsp baking soda

Whip together softened butter, ricotta, vanilla, eggs & sugar.

Slowly add the dry mixture & mix in kitchen aid/electric mixer with a dough hook attachment till all flour is mixed and you have a smooth dough.

Drop by tablespoons on greased cookie sheets & bake at 350 degrees for 10-12 minutes.

Frosting for the top is just confectionary sugar and a little warm water-should be smooth and spreadable.  You can use a few drops of food coloring to make them more festive!

Enjoy!

Love,

Scarlet ; )

Crazy life

Life has been crazy in our home, for the past few weeks.  We are readying two children for milestones in their educational lives, in the next few weeks our oldest child will be moved into college and although he will not be too far from home he will still not be here.  He is not a mama's boy by any means, but he & I are very very close and I am struggling.  I am trying to focus on the positives, I know this is what he needs to do, it's a right of passage I would never deny him & I am so proud of him-but the fact remains that in my heart he will always be my baby.  My first born, my first true love, my little man.  Not having him around will be a serious adjustment for all of us, emotions are running high and that adds an extra layer of "stickiness" to the situation.  Pre DD I gave in to my temper ALOT, if I was feeling scared, or sad, or hurt it would all be expressed with anger rather that the true emotion I was feeling.  I have come a long way and I do not give into my temper much at all anymore.....normally, that is.  Lately I have been feeling like I should be wearing a warning sign that says "contents under pressure, DO NOT expose to open flame".  I usually go weeks (sometimes a month or more) between earning punishment spankings but within 8 days I managed to earn 5, I also had 3 maintenance sessions and a reset during that period.  I was very sore & very discouraged.  I am doing better this week so far but I am really struggling to stay in control of myself.  I have tried to explain my feelings to Clark but so far I have not been very successfull.  He is fair, none of the spankings I got last week were unwarranted or unearned but I struggled to submit to most of them anyway.  Not physically, I was physically able to put myself over his lap when he told me to, and bend over the table when he told me to, and answer the questions he asked appropriately, and address him just as I should have, but I couldn't bring myself to surrender emotionally.  I hid behind a wall of anger and refused to let the spankings reach me.  I made them worse than they had to be, on me and on Clark.  This week of spankings happened after a week of none at all due to vacation & not having any privacy and it started with a reset.  My attitude was bad and I ended up getting punished on top of the reset.  The next day we were doing ok, but when we discussed a mistake that Clark made I got angry all over again & made comments that were uncalled for.  I really pushed it, because although Clark is usually slow to announce that I have crossed a line, or he gives warnings before he "sentences" me, this time he told me immediately that I was getting a spanking that night when we got home  because of my behavior.  So what did I do?  Accept my fate appropriately & apologize?  Nope!  I shrugged my shoulders & said "oh well, I don't care, do whatever you want". It was the exact opposite of how I was truly feeling.   I felt awful about what I had said & I was very nervous about getting another spanking after getting two the night before, but I could not let myself give in to his authority.  Clark usually waits to lecture until the time comes to carry out the spanking but we were in the car on the way to a family function, the kids were distracted and he had time so he delivered a very thorough lecture that had begun to penitrate my "defenses" but then we arrived and the lecture/conversation had to be paused.  I stayed away from Clark for the first hour we were there, I just wanted some space to think.  I knew I was wrong for how I had acted, I knew the spanking to come was deserved but I just did not feel like "surrendering" to him, I knew that was wrong also, but I had no idea how to find my submission again.  I did end up apologizing after taking some time to think, and he appreciated my apology.  I also told him I had finally just gotten my "monthly visitor" aka my "curse".  He felt that PMS had played a big part in my bad behavior but not that it absolved me of wrong doing (not that I had expected or even hoped it world have), but that does change the way we do spanking so he needed to know anyway.  Due to it being extremely humiliating to me, we no longer do bare bottomed spanking when I have my "curse".  Sometimes he will wait until it is over to conduct the spanking but since it was the 1st day he decided to go ahead with an over the clothes spanking.  By the time we got home that night my attitude had gone right back to defensive & a bit fowl.  He tried talking to me before we went to the basement to "settle up", I told him that I knew I was wrong in how I handled my disappointment due to the mistake he had made & that I knew I was going to get punished but that I just did not feel submissive at all & didn't even feel like I wanted to submit.  He asked me why very gently & almost pleadingly & I told him I didn't know.  And I didn't, I wasn't lying or distancing or anything, I just felt angry and rebellious & like I just wanted to go away from everyone.  Him being gentle & calm with me when I am like this is just not what I need unfortunately, but I don't get to control the way other people act and react, only myself.  I also have trouble asking for help, Clark hates that I very rarely ask him for help when I am starting to get stressed & overwhelmed but it is very hard for me.  I have tried explaining to him that if I can manage to tell him I am feeling stressed that is sometimes all I can handle.  Clark unfortunately is not good at taking hints at times & needs things spelled out for him-this ends up not working out well for either of us.  I was (and still am) feeling out of control.   I am sad, and anxious and a little bit scared because my baby boy is leaving me & I want to handle it well but I'm not.  I think I may need to really feel Clark's dominance in order to be able to get myself back to mindset I want & need to be in for us.  I am just not sure how to go about getting what I need without feeling like I am "topping from the bottom" or "scripting" things for him.  I wish this was easier, I think I probably need to spend some (more) time praying about this & make sure I am really listening......

Holding hands across the country....

Yesterday was a special day for me, it marked a "first" between myself and  a new, but very dear friend of mine, Sass of misssassafrass.blogspot.com.  We got to talk for real on the phone!  I found her blog a while back commented and started emailing her which lead to txting & finally to our first phone call.  I was very nervous when I called her, more nervous when she didn't pick up & shaking with nervousness when she called me back two minutes later.  But as soon as I heard her voice I was just instantly at peace.  I loved every minute of our almost hour conversation, we never had even one moment of akward silence, it was as if we had talked a million times before.  Then it hit me, we had talked a million times before, we just hadn't heard each other's voices all the other times.  We were both already invested in each other's lives and so the flow was totally natural.  We spoke again today, of music, our dad's, our wedding days, and then later on via txt I bared my soul to her and shared some things with her that only the closest people in my life know.  Things that are hard to talk about, things that bring up all kinds of hard emotional responses that just plain suck!  But although this conversation all happened via txt I felt as though she was right there at my kitchen table with me, holding my hand as I talked about a part of my life that I wish I could remove from my memory.  She said she wished she could hug me and cry with me. She reminded me that God loves me and has a plan for me.  She reminded me that my husband and children love me, and then, she told me she loved me too.  I feel truly blessed to have found her & it may not be this year, but some time in the not so distant future I know we will get to chat face to face!  Until that day, I will be there holding her hand in spirit, sending her virtual hugs, and thanking God daily for putting her in my life-I love you too Sass!
Love,
Scarlet

Intense Maintenance

I broke a rule Monday night totally accidentally & in my own defense it is a relatively new rule for us & even Clark forgot that it was an official rule...,.its a rule we made about keeping him in the loop where our children are concerned, for example if one of them wanted to go somewhere rather than me just saying yes or no I should talk to Clark and we should make the decision together, or if I get an email from a teacher whatever is in the email I need to disclose ASAP.  All of this may sound like a no brainer but we had gotten into the habit of me being the one that handled pretty much all the "kid related" stuff and sometimes that meant that Clark was left totally in the dark and many times it caused tension and arguments even after we started DD.  So recently we revamped our rules & that one got added.  

So back to my story, I broke the rule accidentally, it was a matter of me not remembering the rule & so I gave our son the green light to stop (quickly) for ice cream on his way home-he was coming home to finish some school related work that he had been putting off & it had to be done that night.  I told Clark what our son had asked & that I told him to be fast.  Initially Clark seemed ok about it but what should have been a 15-20 minute stop ended up to be an hour so Clark got really upset & since I was the one who let him go the aggravation/anger was directed at me.  I apologized but he wasn't really ready to hear it & said we would talk later which I thought meant I was in trouble.  Once our son was busy upstairs doing the pending assignments I sat quietly and waited for him to "sentence" me.  Instead, he started talking & said something very hurtful, it was a direct hit to my heart.  Tears sprang to my eyes instantly & I felt like I couldn't breath.  I just stood up and went to the kitchen & began to prepare food, he came in a few minutes later, rubbed my shoulders & kissed the top of my head so I really thought he was going to apologize for what he said, but he didn't.  I asked him how much trouble I was in and he got upset all over again saying he was just so aggravated that he couldn't even think about what it "fell under" (meaning he couldn't think of which one of the 5 D's this offense fell under).  I said okay & I apologized again.  He said he knew I was sorry but he was still upset, he said "I really thought we were on the same page but then you just let him go do something fun before getting his work done, work that should have been done a long time ago but he waited until the last minute to do!" And he walked away.  I understood why he was upset and I felt badly about having let him down, but I was still very hurt and upset about what he had said.  I finished making the food & served him in the living room then went back to the kitchen to clean up.  The more I thought about what he said the more upset I got until I felt like I would burst into tears at any second.  When he finished eating he came in to find me. "Are you ok?  You have been very quiet & you don't seem like yourself" he said.  Not stopping what I was doing I said "I'm ok." But it wasn't very convincing.  "I know you feel bad, but this seems like something more than that." He said. Still moving around busily I answered,  "I said I'm ok.  I don't really want to talk about this".  "Well I'm sorry Babygirl, but we need to talk". He replied, "well I don't want to" I insisted "I'm not ready" I threw in hoping he would let it go-I am still struggling a bit with being vulnerable to Clark when he has hurt my feelings, I really hate to cry in front of him at times like this because it makes me feel weak-I know that isn't really right of me to feel that way and it's nothing Clark has done to make me feel that way, but I haven't figured out how to change it yet.  "I want to respect your feelings and give you some space but first I need to know what it is that has you so upset.  Stop what you are doing and tell me what it is." He said firmly.  I tried to keep moving, I could feel the tears dangerously close to spilling out & I was fighting them hard "Scarlet O'Harra Kent!  Stop what you are doing and talk to me right NOW." He said very sternly.  "I don't...I can't..." I choked out as the tears started falling.  He stepped toward me and tried to pull me in for a hug.  "No," I said putting my hand up  " please don't touch me right now" being touched when I am crying just makes the floodgates open up. He stopped but said "Scarlet, I want to hold you, I want to comfort you. I need to comfort you." Tears rolling down I said "I don't want you to comfort me!  You said....you said.,.you said I was 'not a mom I was just his friend'!"  He looked shocked & said "what?? I said what??  That is NOT what I meant Scarlet!  I would never....I was really upset and I must have just mixed up my words.  What I said was not at ALL what I meant to say."  Let me just say that there are not many things that I feel confident in but being a mother is one of them (most of the time) it's very much attached to my identity, my sense of self worth, and to have him say what he said had been a direct hit to my heart. "What I meant to say was that he needs you to be his mom at times like these , not his friend.  I know you are both now that he is older, but all I meant to say was that you needed to be 'just a mom not a friend', but I was flustered and hungry and it came out backward without me even knowing it and I am so sorry.  I never meant to hurt you.  I feel sick that I said that and that you thought I meant that.  I think you are a wonderfull mother-you know that babygirl." I did let him hold me then & I cried on his chest.  We talked some more and revisited the fact that what caused all of this was the rule break, so a consequence was needed.  However, Clark felt that because of the miscommunication a punishment spanking would be too much, "tomorrow night you will get an extra maintenance session because I do want to enforce the rule, it will be intense maintenance but not a punishment because I made a mistake also and I was careless with my words.  I expect you to be careful of your words upset or not and I am not above that expectation." 

The maintenance was very intense, but Clark was very careful with his words as he lectured and reassured me, before, during, and after the spanking.  Even Heads of Households make mistakes-we are all only human.  We both felt better and more connected afterward, I was a little sore but my heart felt light ; )

Where to begin...

Hi, my name is Scarlet & I am in a DD marriage with my wonderful husband Clark who is my very own Superman ; )

I have been reading many different blogs for the past two years and wanting to start my own but always hesitating because I was nervous about keeping my anonymity-but I have been encouraged by Clark as well as a few women that I have emailed with back and forth, but especially one woman who although she never has pushed me has let me know she is excited for me & has been there for me & helped me process things and I am very greatful to her for her gentle nudges toward starting my own blog-thank you Sass!

How & when did DD start for us?  Well, officially it has been a little over two years that we have been working toward this dynamic, but for me my submission & my journey toward accepting that I am happiest when being submissive has been going on ALOT longer.

Clark is a gentle giant who would never in his wildest dreams have imagined that he would ever spank his wife.  When I first asked him to it was as part of  lighthearted foreplay and nothing else.  I felt that there was something wrong with me for wanting/needing it and so although I felt that something was missing I just kept that to myself & pretended it was just a kink of mine, I was very afraid that my (then) extremely vanilla husband would think less of me & reject me so I just let it be for fun for a very long time.  We didn't do it all the time just on & off, but it got to a point where I began to be frustrated with the fact that it always seemed to end before I got what I was needing from it.  It was shortly after the second of our three children was born that we hit a VERY rough patch in our marriage.  We still had sex but I was not interested at all which was very upsetting because my drive had always been very high and all of a sudden it was non-existent.  We got to this rough patch slowly but once we got there it was really awful all at once.  I had become a person that I really didn't like, I felt very alone & like all the responsibility for our home & children was on me.  I was mean to my husband & he accepted it.  I knew how to tear him down very well.  I am ashamed of it still, but at the time I felt totally justified because my husband wasn't "living up to" what I thought he  "should be" doing as a husband & father.  We went to marriage counseling for a little while & it helped some but we still weren't quite right.  I had always had a very special relationship with my paternal grandmother, she was more like a mother than grandmother to me & I looked up to, & respected her very much.  She was always submissive to my grandfather and they were happily married for over 60 years!  So I talked to her about marriage and slowly I started looking at things differently where my husband was concerned.  I lost her suddenly just over 2yrs ago & I was totally devastated.  We were also trying to get pregnant & having a hard time so things were super stressful and then a friend suggested I read 50 Shades of Gray.  So I did & although the books are not great, they were very helpful to my husband and I because they opened up a dialog that eventually lead to me researching "dominance", "submission", "spanking", and eventually I found domestic discipline blogs and although I was initially horrified, I shared it all with Clark.  Then I finally let myself be honest with myself.  I knew this was what I wanted, to be held accountable, to be loved and cherished and protected and dominated.  I told my husband that I wanted to try it. & he told me that he would be willing to try anything for me.  Anything that would make me keep smiling the way I had been since I read the books & started the research.  So we began, and it's been a long hall!  We have had many ups and downs but we are working together & I no longer feel alone, I know I have my own personal Superman in Clark & we will get past any obstical as long as we work together!