Thursday, May 7, 2015


I have been trying to decide whether or not to write for awhile now.  I started a post on New Year's Day, forgot to save it & lost it all when I got interrupted.  I was so frustrated & decided to just wait-and here I am five months later finally trying again.  I thought we were at a very low point on New Year's Day, but it was nothing compaired to where we are now.

In my last post I gave an overview of the struggles we were dealing with & that I had withdrawn consent but I ended with the part where we had decided to go back to DD.  We did, and all the talking & planning & "things we had put in place" to help, just slowly went away & inconsistancy & anger returned.  They grew & I finally lost it & screamed, yelled, pushed & finally got punished & cried buckets of tears & asked him over & over if this lifestyle was really what he wanted & he insisted that it was.  I had started reading blogs again but not commenting very much but at that point I stopped reading unless it was one I had subscribed to via email-those ones I still read because they came to me & I didn't have to go looking.  I had brought up boot camp many times but I brought it up again & asked if he thought it would help, he wasn't sure.  I brought up marriage counseling & said I thought we should go back, we went for awhile several years ago & it had helped but then we went through a really tough time financially & needed to stop for awhile & then found our way to DD which seemed to work even better (for awhile at least) than the counseling.  He agreed that we should go & I asked that he, as HoH be the one to set up the appointment, again he agreed.  I found a list of people that took our insurance & sent it to him, that was before Christmas.  We did not have our first session until February, and I was the one who eventually called & set it up.  He kept saying he would call & "forgetting" to do so.  I was considering withdrawing concent again when he decided he wanted to do a bootcamp weekend with me.  So I did it, we prepared-we read through everything in the packet we got and we tailored it more to ourselves.  Our youngest is still nursing so we made arrangements for the kids to be with family close by so that she could come home at night to sleep in her own bed & then go back the next day.  Unfortunately this didn't work out exactly as we had hoped (she came home much earier than planned) so we modified things again & finished up the main physical part of the bootcamp after she was in bed.  It was very challenging-we had been intimate early in the day, but we both felt the need again & that part was great.  We felt so connected, the homework assignments were especially helpful & we felt really great about how the weekend had gone.  But by the next weekend his inconsistancy & my bad attitude were back. I asked again, was he really sure this was what he wanted, that I didn't want him to do this if it was just for me, he swore to me it was what he wanted & that he believed it was the right thing for us.  He asked me (again) to please bear with him-he knew that it had been taking him a very long time to put in the real effort, but that he was really going to try harder this time.  I believed him because I wanted it to be true.  That is why I have always tried to believe what he says to me....
A few weeks later was my birthday, it was also spring break for our oldest & so we asked that he babysit so that Clark & I could have a night to go to dinner & a movie without worrying that we were inconveniencing anyone by having to pick the baby up late.  We went to my favorite place to eat, I have a certain dish that I always get there because it's just the best!  We also always get the same appitizer every time-I know this might sound boring but we don't really get to go often so it's not really boring if you only go 3-4 times a year ; ).  Anyway, we got our regular appitizer & I had a little but felt extremely turned off to it & couldn't have anymore.  When it came time to order I actually decided I wanted to try something new.  Clark was very surprised & asked me several times if I was really sure, but I was.  I loved the meal I ordered & didn't regret my decision one bit.  When dinner was over we headed to the movie theater.  We got there just as the movie I wanted to see was starting-when we went to buy the tickets the boy behind the counter told us that the heat in the theater our movie was playing in was not working well & said we could go in & check it out before we bought the tickets in case it was too cold for us.  So we did-it was freezing so I told Clark I didn't want to stay.  We went and got a Redbox movie instead (I honestly do not remember what the movie was).  To take one step back, my birthday fell on a Saturday this year & Saturdays are a maintenance day in our house.  A little over a week before I had asked Clark if we could skip maintenance on my birthday & his response was "we'll see".  I was very upset & hurt by this response, we had been struggling with Clark doing what we refered to as "power tripping" from time to time & that is what I felt this was.  I felt like I wanted to blow up but I didn't.  I let it go for that moment & brought it up again later when I was feeling calm & could talk about it and explain my feelings without anger getting in the way.  Maintenance was something we had been doing on Wednesday & Saturday nights but the consistancy at that point wasn't there.  I was always left wondering if it would happen or not until right before it did or didn't.  In many cases we would be in the basement (where we conducted all spankings unless we were the only ones home), and he would be getting ready to lecture and then say, that we would just do a "fun" spanking rather than maintenance that night.  We had gone from doing only playful spankings as foreplay up until we found DD & then to only punishment & maintenance & then had recently decided that we wanted to bring the "fun" ones back.  I felt like I should have been happy when he would change his mind & do a fun one instead, but I felt let down, and a bit confused.  I didn't want to discourage him though & so I tried to just follow his lead & trust his decisions.  Anyway, I didn't think that asking respectfully if we could skip maintenance for my birthday would be met with a "we'll see".  I talked to him about it & explained my feelings & he said he was sorry for "power tripping", he said that when I asked he just thought that if he said yes I might think that I had a "free pass" for the day.  I assured him that this wasn't the case since there have been other special days when I have been punished (like Christmas for instance), so I wouldn't assume I could just break our rules intentionally or otherwise & get away with it.  He then said once more that he was sorry about his first response & that of course we would skip the maintenance for my birthday-but we would do a "fun birthday" one instead.  So fast forward back to my birthday, we got home with our Redbox movie & all the kids were up since we were home a few hours earlier than we had planned, so we did bed time with the little ones & the oldest went off to do his own thing.  We finally put on the movie, but I was really having a hard time staying awake.  This is not really like me, I'm a total night owl, but I just could not fight it.  So when the movie was over Clark woke me up & brought me upstairs to go to bed-to sleep.  I was disappointed, but I was really too tired to do anything else.  I was doubly disappointed because I expected my monthly curse the next day.  But, it didn't come, so we made up for missing out on "birthday sex" the next day (but it was minus the "fun" spanking, there was nothing talked about, it just didn't happen).  By Wednesday, Clark was a bit concerned that my curse still hadn't come.  I thought it was most likely just delayed by stress, but when he said he was going to get a pregnancy test I said ok, thinking that there was no way it would be positive anyway.  To provide a little more understanding-we tried for a few years to get pregnant with our youngest, but in the end had to do several (heartbreaking) rounds invitro fertilization (IVF) in order to finally have her.  The doctors that we dealt with during that time estimated that the odds of us getting pregnant on our own were between 1-2 percent.  Our plan had been that Clark would have a vasectomy after our last child was born so that we would not have to worry about birth control once our family was complete.  However, based on that information as well as the fact that we had tried for so long on our own and had no luck at all Clark decided that a vasectomy was not necessary.   When he told me that he didn't think it was necessary I said that if that was the decision he wanted to make I was ok with it, BUT, if I ever did happen to get pregnant, he needed to know that HE would just have to be ok with that, because there was no way I would ever terminate a pregnancy, not even if things might be tight financially for a bit.  He said he understood & that of course he would never ask me to do that.  So you can imagine my surprise, shock, and hurt, when Clark looks at me and says "so, if you are pregnant, are you going to go through with it?"  I sat there for a minute not saying a word because at first I was honestly confused by his question & then it finally clicked to me exactly what he was asking and I said very calmly, "are you joking right now?  I really hope you are, because you already know damn well what my answer to that is, and I cannot believe you even asked me that."  He looked at me and said "I figured that is what you would say, but I just wanted to make sure, sorry."  I really tried to let it go & not dwell on it, but it was very hard for me.  The next morning I still thought it was a waste of money to do the test, but I did it & was TOTALLY shocked to see the bright blue plus sign. I texted Clark & he came running into the bathroom.  I was shaking looking at the positive test.  He looked like he had just had the wind knocked out of him, but he hugged me & said "everything will be ok baby, why are you crying?  I'm not mad at you."  Mad at me??  I thought, why on earth would you be mad at me???  "I am very shocked", I said, "I didn't think you were mad at me at all, I mean what exactly would I think you would be mad at me about anyway?"  "Oh, I don't know, I just wanted to make sure you knew I wasn't."  I went back to getting ready for work & so did he, we went about our day, he had said that we shouldn't tell anyone about the baby for awhile because he was worried about how people (his family) would react.  I texed him later in the day to tell him that I needed to talk about it with someone & since our oldest was home for a visit I wanted to tell him.  He took it well & was funny about it, he joked with Clark about it later that day and the tension around the news seemed to ease just a bit.  The following week I had some spotting & called the doctor, they sent me for blood work & my numbers looked great, so they sent me for an ultra sound & I got to see the flicker of the heartbeat.  I was so excited, Clark wasn't as excited as I was but he wasn't being negative about it anymore.  We went to our marriage counselor & shared the news.  I also shared my hurt & anger about Clark having asked me if I would go through a horrendous & painful ordeal to kill the baby & Clark got a little defensive asking why I had to
say it that way?  Why couldn't I have just said that he asked me to terminate.  I said "because I do not sugar coat the facts".  The counselor said "So Scarlet, is it true that you want Clark to communicate his feelings with you?"  I had a feeling I knew where this was going but I answered "yes" and the counselor went on "but when he did, you thought he should have kept those feelings to himself?"  "Yes," I said, "in this case I do think he should have kept that to himself.  There are some things that are better left unsaid, hurtful, awful, unhelpful things that are only going to cause problems, and this is one of them.  If he needed to freak out & say he was scared or tell me that part of him was disappointed because this means our "weekend away" clock is reset I could understand & I would have listened & even commiserated with him, but what he chose to "share" was not just his feelings, it was a request for me to do something that he already knew I would NEVER do, something that is awful & against my religious & moral beliefs (for me-it is not a judgement on anyone else's choice).  So, if he needed to say that, I wish he had said it to someone else, because they could & would have told him not to say it to me, because EVERYONE who knows me knows I would never say yes to that."  I know it's the therapist's job to make us see both sides of each situation, but I felt like my feelings didn't mean anything.  And later, towards  the end of the session, there were some other things said that made me realize that I was not facing facts about our DD journey & so later that night after the kids were in bed I told Clark that I felt it was time to put an end to DD because I just didn't feel like I could continue to leave myself open to him in that way since the communication & honestly was not where it should be between us.  I also let him know that in addition to DD, I was no longer open to "fun/playful" spanking or any mention of anything to do with that dynamic at all.  He made a few weak attempts to say that he didn't want to give up on it, but after listening to everything I said to him he finally let it go. He threw up & then came back & started apologizing for not doing a good job as HoH & also for not telling me sooner that being HoH was too much for him because he needed to work on himself & get to a place were he is being honest & communicating consistently & then he thought we would be ready to go back to DD.  I told him that I am not able at this point to hold out hope for that happening.  I felt (still feel), completely betrayed, hurt & angry at him, but at myself as well.  I am mad at myself because I continued to trust his words even though his actions didn't match up.  I am mad at myself for opening myself up they way I did & letting myself get hurt so deeply.  I am mad at myself for sharing that part of myself that I can never quite cover up again.  I unsubscribed to all of the DD sites, I just cannot handle reading about it at this point.  I deleted all of the "secret" pictures & txts & DD related lists & reminders I had set up for myself, and as I did this I felt parts of myself disappearing along with it.  Like I mentioned before, spanking had been part of our foreplay almost from day one-but that is all gone.  Me feeling like I can depend on him is all gone.  We had experimented sexually quite a bit over the last 3 years but I relate all of that to the dynamic & so all of that is gone for me as well.  I have always been very attached to music, I love to sing, I love to dance-I can almost never sit still when I hear most kinds of music, but I haven't been able to listen in weeks because so many songs remind me of us & what we no longer have.  He began to be the "super nice bend over backward for you boy" that I just cannot handle.  I began  working on rebuilding the  protection walls in order to keep myself safe.  And then in my ninth week of pregnancy I had some very light spotting.  The Doctor sent me for an ultrasound, and they were unable to find the baby's heartbeat.   The Doctor went over my options with me (none were great), I ended up opting for a D & C just due to issues with time off from work, as it seemed like it would take the least time & the recovery was not too bad either.  But it was horrible walking into the hospital where I had my last baby knowing I would be walking out that day without my baby.  I was under anesthesia for the proceedure so I didn't feel any physical discomfort, it was just a terribly emotional thing to endure.  Clark has been trying to be nice to me, he has been trying to be supportive.  But loosing DD & then loosing my baby was just so devistating that I am really not able to be comforted by him at this point.  A few of my IRL girlfriends have been checking on me via txt and I am trying to be honest that I am still having a tough time, but that I just need time & prayer in order to get through it.  I just don't want to hear all the "everything happens for a reason" and "be happy with the healthy beautiful kids you have" lines-I know all of that!  I really do, but it doesn't change the pain in my heart, or make my guts feel any less wrenched out.  I really do just need some time to greave for my lost baby, as well as the loss I feel of the intimacy that I had with my husband. And there is no one to talk to about this part of it.  My family (extended-parents & siblings etc) can see that I am depressed but they only know about the baby & some may know that Clark & I are having a tough time, but they don't really know or understand why.  I can't even talk to my therapist about it, because I can never let anyone know about the physical aspect of DD without worrying about Clark possibly getting arrested.  I have agreed to work on our marriage, and I will but I am just not going to get my hopes up about returning to DD in case he isn't able to make the changes needed to be HoH.  I am so hurt right now that I can't even imagine putting myself back into his hands in that way even though I am missing the sense of security I had on & off over the past 3 years.  We have agreed to give ourselves a year to see what happens in the baby department, but other than that everything else is up in the air.  So, that is where we stand, which leaves me feeling like I shouldn't even be writing here since I am not a Submissive wife anymore-I just really didn't know where else to turn.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Promised recipe & an overview of recent struggles...

Hi there, it's been a bit since I last posted or even read a blog...I have been really busy but that's not the reason for my absence.  We have been having a bit of a tough time.  Not just DD wise but overall relationship wise, I haven't felt like there was anything I could write about & share because I have been so confused.  Sad & angry one minute & then happy & hopeful the's been a roller coaster & not the fun kind.  I know this community is here & supportive but I just feel very alone right now.  I love my husband & he loves me, we will work it out, but the interim is really hard.  I don't want to go into all the details & tell the whole long dawn out story but the overview is this;  we communicate VERY differently (even more than just the normal male vs. female differences).  We were also raised was VERY differently.  Although we have been together a long time, it is still not something we have been able to correct consistently.  My MIL (mother in law) is a controlling tyrant.  She is an ice queen & she has never had a real conversation with, or listened to my husband. My husband has never known true & unconditional love from the person who carried him & gave birth to him, he has always had to lie to her & hide his true self to avoid upsetting her.  He has always avoided conflict & hidden his true feelings from her because he knew he would never "win".  Unfortunately this has carried over into our relationship & so there are times that my husband is not honest with me & does not communicate his true feelings and/or intentions with me.  I am a passionate "wear my heart on my sleeve" type person.  I feel everything & I have very good instincts.  I also have very serious trust issues so when I can feel dishonestly but can't place it I get scared start to panic & that makes me angry & sometimes leads to me becoming very irrational & loosing it-not something I am proud of.  One of the things we have been working on with DD is my temper & "passionate outbursts" (for lack of a better term).  Unfortunately when "passionate outburst girl" meets "avoid conflict & placate the aggressor boy" things just fall apart for us very quickly.  I need honesty & open communication & he knows it but doesn't quite know how to give that to me "under pressure".  I have come a long way where my (hair trigger) temper is concerned, but honestly?  I still have a ways to go.  Clark has come a long way with learning to communicate with me, but he too has a ways to go.  To be clear, he isn't dishonest about "important" things.  He has always been faithful to me & our family, he doesn't blow money or gamble or go out til the wee hours of the morning.  We always know where the other is, he doesn't make big decisions without talking things over with me.  It's little things, it's down playing a situation where he is in the wrong, or making himself look better by embellishing a story.  It's occationally going too far with something & then back peddling & denying, causing us to have a deep void between us, rather than just apologizing & being able to move forward together.  When I am not in the moment-later on analyzing or what-have-you, I realize & can see how very sad it all is.  In the moment I watch before my eyes as my big strong man becomes a panicked little boy, desperate to placate, avoid & end the conflict but only perpetuating it by furthering the dishonesty.  Seeing that transformation causes me to feel out of control & then I panic as well.  This is the vicious cycle we find ourselves caught in every so often, usually during times when things are more stressful for one reason or another. There have been a lot of these types of situations over the past few weeks & last week it got really bad, like pre DD us yelling & screaming & (me) swearing and finally I withdrew consent.  Although we had agreed back in May when we redid our rules & contract that I would not withdraw concent again, I would just ask for the 24hr clause, we both felt that a withdrawal of consent was what made sense in this situation.  We were able to communicate & made a lot of progress over the weekend, in coming up with some ideas, putting plans in place, & identifying reasons & triggers for this awful cycle.  Everything is not perfect, this will take time  & a LOT of effort and commitment on both our parts in order to fix this issue long term.  As far as DD goes, as we were about to fall asleep last night he could tell there was something on my mind although I hadn't quite worked out what I wanted to say & whispered "what is it babe?"  I felt shy & nervous to ask the question but I hesitantly lifted my head off his shoulder & whispered haltingly in his ear, "are we-ah, are we going back?"  "To DD you mean?" He asked me.  I ducked my head & nodded into his chest.  "My feelings haven't changed about this Babygirl.  Yes, we will go back."  I felt a mix of relief & nervousness settle into my stomach.  " of right now?  Will I...will I get punished because of everything that happened while we weren't?" (Meaning the huge blowout we had had, my emotional eating fallout which breaks the rules we have (that I asked for) in place to help with my weight loss & just basically trying to live/eat in a healthier way, & a few other little things).  "No, I am not going to punish you for this, it's already been painful enough for both of us.  But...we should do something...." He replied.  I shivered a little & he pulled me closer "a reset?" I asked (in the past they have typically been more intense physically than a punishment, but without the awful feeling that I have disappointed him).  "Yes, I think a reset is what we will need to do."  He said.  Originally the reset was to happen tonight, but because of my curse (aka monthly visitor), he agreed to wait until it goes away to adminstor it....on one hand I hate waiting, but on the other, most of the time we are intimate after a spanking, but we are not when I have my curse, because I am so uncomfortable about it.  I felt better this morning when we sent each other our customary good morning txts....
Clark : "Good morning my Babygirl"
Me: "Good morning Sir".                      
(I had really missed them since I had pulled consent the week before).

Here is the recipe I promised:

               Ricotta egg biscuits 
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
1 container of ricotta cheese
2 sticks of butter
2 cups sugar
4 cups flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda

Whip together softened butter, ricotta, vanilla, eggs & sugar.

Slowly add the dry mixture & mix in kitchen aid/electric mixer with a dough hook attachment till all flour is mixed and you have a smooth dough.

Drop by tablespoons on greased cookie sheets & bake at 350 degrees for 10-12 minutes.

Frosting for the top is just confectionary sugar and a little warm water-should be smooth and spreadable.  You can use a few drops of food coloring to make them more festive!

Scarlet ; )

Friday, August 29, 2014

Questionnaire by Meredith.

Meredith has written a questionnaire, I did Dana's and then saw this one, we have had a very crazy few weeks but I finally have a little time to myself so here goes, thanks Meredith....

Do your eyes light up when he comes to you?  Yes & I hope they always do ; )

What sports do you watch together?  American Football!, baseball, basketball, Dodgeball, T-ball....anything our kids are playing lol!

On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is lingerie when it usually ends up on the floor? 0-1, Clark prefers a night gown or long t-shirt with nothing under it, or birthday suit lol!  I have a ton of lingerie & I think as the kids get older & we are not having to "fit in" our "fun time" as much it may make a come back.

Do you watch Netflix's House of Cards? No, we don't have Netflix.

What outdoor activity do you do together? Watching our kids play sports, swimming, & yard work.

What is his dream vacation? 
He would love to go back to Aruba where we honeymooned but for two weeks this time.

What is your dream vacation?  I would also love to go back to Aruba.  I would also love to see Italy & Ireland.

What is your favorite book of all time? Too many to choose so I will go with Good Night Moon as it is one of the books I have read at bedtime for many many years ; )

What was your last argument about?   Finding a restaurant to go to for dinner with the kids when we went to see our son at college.

Are there any words you use that he does not like? Anything disrespectful: Fine, whatever, great & sure (said sarcastically of course).

Do you have any restrictions about internet time?
During family time, mealtimes, our alone time, and if I am in trouble.

Do you have a phobia? Yes!  Arachnophobia (fear of spiders),  claustrophobia (fear of being in closed/small places), pnigophobia (fear of being choked).

When do you melt into his arms?
Whenever I am in them (unless I am being stubborn lol).

Are you watching Outlander? No, never heard of it, but I will have to look it up ; )

Does your Hoh have a motto? No, not really.  Just "if it's free it's for me" lol, but no HoHly ones.

What is your question for me? What is your least favorite aspect of DD/TTWD, What is your most favorite aspect & why?

Sunday, August 24, 2014

60 Questions

I saw this on Dana's blog, and thought it looked like fun so here goes....Thanks, Dana!
I did the answers to this on this past Tuesday.....

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? Yes, and I have been for the past 14 years ; )

2. Opinions on sex before marriage?

I think it is important to know if you are a good match in ALL ways before marriage.

3. Is trust a big issue for you? Yes, sometimes it is harder than others but overall yes, it's a big issue for me.

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? Yes-doing so now ; )

6. What happened last night? Had a date night with my man-yay!

7. Ever have plastic surgery? No, I would like to have a little bit but Clark says NOWAY! : p

8. Which are better - black or green olives? I prefer black, but green are ok too sometimes.

9. What is the last beverage you had? Water.

10. Ever won a contest? Yes-not recently though.

11. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? Nope ; )

12. What are you gonna do Saturday night? Have maintenance (but we will have gotten to see our son that day & Clark may do mild maintenance because I may be emotional- he is so good to me).

13. What are you going to spend money on next? Hopefully a new vehicle!

14. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? Of course, we all do ; )

15. Can you swim well? No, and Clark used to be a lifeguard so he makes me practice treading water every summer!

16. Have you had sex today? Yes!  It was a beautiful morning ; )

17. Regularly burn incense? No, but Clark does.

18. Are you in a good mood? Yes, just a little anxious.

19. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? NOWAY!!

20. What do you want right this second? Some food-I am ready for dinner!

21. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Yes, I have never colored my whole head, I have done highlights a few times & in college I had a few purple & green streaks ; )

22. Hot tea or cold tea? Either, hot tea is great for getting my milk supply up ; )

23. Tea or coffee? Tea (herbal only), love coffee but due being pregnant & now breastfeeding I have to stay away from it.

24. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? My son at college & my grandmother who passed away-she was like a mother to me & I miss her every day.

25. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Yes, from God, but sometimes it is harder than others for me to give second chances to people.

26. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?  Yes, we are married ; )

27. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?  Yes (well only like once a year).

28. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? Right beside me-yay!

29. Who did you last call? My in-laws.

30. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?  Because I love him (and he is my HoH so I don't say no!)

31. Who would you like to see in concert? OAR, Josh Grobin.

32. What was the last concert you saw? 
Dave Matthews Band (6 mos pregnant & I fell asleep lol)!

33. Do you tan in the nude? Only when I was tanning for my wedding (the one. & only time I have done it).

34. Are you patient? Yes, very.

35. Who was the last person to call you? One of my best friends.

36. Do you sing in the shower? Yes, there are not many places that I don't sing!

37. Ever used a bow and arrow? Nope, & most likely never will-unless a toy one counts lol.

38. Do you think musicals are cheesy? No way!  I love them & cannot wait to get back into doing them.

39. Is Christmas stressful? Yes, but also magical & spiritual & wonderful.

40. Ever eat a pierogi? No, I actually have to look up what they are now lol!

41. Favorite type of fruit pie?  My grandmother's strawberry rhubarb.

42. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A singer, dancer, actor-a "triple threat" & a mommy.

43. Do you believe in ghosts? Not sure....

44. Ever been in love? Yes!

45. Take a vitamin daily? I try to (sometimes I forget).

46. Wear slippers? Only in the winter-the rest of the year I am barefoot.

47. Wear a bath robe? Once in awhile.

48. What do you wear to bed? Comfy stuff.

49. First concert? 
New Kids on The Block!!!

50. Walmart, Target or Kmart? Target & Walmart-Kmart stinks.

51. Nike or Adidas? Nike.

52. Cheetos or Fritos? Fritos all the way!

53. Peanuts or sunflower seeds?
Sunflower seeds in my salad, peanuts as a snack ; )

54. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Oh yes, all the time....

55. What is your favorite book? Don't think I could pick just one, but as a kid Tuck Everlasting, Charlotte's Web, Pipi Longstocking, & the Little House on the Prairy books were my favs & I read them over & over!

56. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? Clark, Sass, & my 2 "rl" friends "Dove" & "Ravin".

57. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Christmas, we have a family pic done every year.

58. Ever have a deja-vu feeling? Yes, and once it happens it happens for several days in a short time frame-it's so weird.

59. Listening to? The a/c whooshing sound.

60. Favorite cookie? Any made by my grandmother, especially her "Ricotta biscuits".

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Crazy life

Life has been crazy in our home, for the past few weeks.  We are readying two children for milestones in their educational lives, in the next few weeks our oldest child will be moved into college and although he will not be too far from home he will still not be here.  He is not a mama's boy by any means, but he & I are very very close and I am struggling.  I am trying to focus on the positives, I know this is what he needs to do, it's a right of passage I would never deny him & I am so proud of him-but the fact remains that in my heart he will always be my baby.  My first born, my first true love, my little man.  Not having him around will be a serious adjustment for all of us, emotions are running high and that adds an extra layer of "stickiness" to the situation.  Pre DD I gave in to my temper ALOT, if I was feeling scared, or sad, or hurt it would all be expressed with anger rather that the true emotion I was feeling.  I have come a long way and I do not give into my temper much at all anymore.....normally, that is.  Lately I have been feeling like I should be wearing a warning sign that says "contents under pressure, DO NOT expose to open flame".  I usually go weeks (sometimes a month or more) between earning punishment spankings but within 8 days I managed to earn 5, I also had 3 maintenance sessions and a reset during that period.  I was very sore & very discouraged.  I am doing better this week so far but I am really struggling to stay in control of myself.  I have tried to explain my feelings to Clark but so far I have not been very successfull.  He is fair, none of the spankings I got last week were unwarranted or unearned but I struggled to submit to most of them anyway.  Not physically, I was physically able to put myself over his lap when he told me to, and bend over the table when he told me to, and answer the questions he asked appropriately, and address him just as I should have, but I couldn't bring myself to surrender emotionally.  I hid behind a wall of anger and refused to let the spankings reach me.  I made them worse than they had to be, on me and on Clark.  This week of spankings happened after a week of none at all due to vacation & not having any privacy and it started with a reset.  My attitude was bad and I ended up getting punished on top of the reset.  The next day we were doing ok, but when we discussed a mistake that Clark made I got angry all over again & made comments that were uncalled for.  I really pushed it, because although Clark is usually slow to announce that I have crossed a line, or he gives warnings before he "sentences" me, this time he told me immediately that I was getting a spanking that night when we got home  because of my behavior.  So what did I do?  Accept my fate appropriately & apologize?  Nope!  I shrugged my shoulders & said "oh well, I don't care, do whatever you want". It was the exact opposite of how I was truly feeling.   I felt awful about what I had said & I was very nervous about getting another spanking after getting two the night before, but I could not let myself give in to his authority.  Clark usually waits to lecture until the time comes to carry out the spanking but we were in the car on the way to a family function, the kids were distracted and he had time so he delivered a very thorough lecture that had begun to penitrate my "defenses" but then we arrived and the lecture/conversation had to be paused.  I stayed away from Clark for the first hour we were there, I just wanted some space to think.  I knew I was wrong for how I had acted, I knew the spanking to come was deserved but I just did not feel like "surrendering" to him, I knew that was wrong also, but I had no idea how to find my submission again.  I did end up apologizing after taking some time to think, and he appreciated my apology.  I also told him I had finally just gotten my "monthly visitor" aka my "curse".  He felt that PMS had played a big part in my bad behavior but not that it absolved me of wrong doing (not that I had expected or even hoped it world have), but that does change the way we do spanking so he needed to know anyway.  Due to it being extremely humiliating to me, we no longer do bare bottomed spanking when I have my "curse".  Sometimes he will wait until it is over to conduct the spanking but since it was the 1st day he decided to go ahead with an over the clothes spanking.  By the time we got home that night my attitude had gone right back to defensive & a bit fowl.  He tried talking to me before we went to the basement to "settle up", I told him that I knew I was wrong in how I handled my disappointment due to the mistake he had made & that I knew I was going to get punished but that I just did not feel submissive at all & didn't even feel like I wanted to submit.  He asked me why very gently & almost pleadingly & I told him I didn't know.  And I didn't, I wasn't lying or distancing or anything, I just felt angry and rebellious & like I just wanted to go away from everyone.  Him being gentle & calm with me when I am like this is just not what I need unfortunately, but I don't get to control the way other people act and react, only myself.  I also have trouble asking for help, Clark hates that I very rarely ask him for help when I am starting to get stressed & overwhelmed but it is very hard for me.  I have tried explaining to him that if I can manage to tell him I am feeling stressed that is sometimes all I can handle.  Clark unfortunately is not good at taking hints at times & needs things spelled out for him-this ends up not working out well for either of us.  I was (and still am) feeling out of control.   I am sad, and anxious and a little bit scared because my baby boy is leaving me & I want to handle it well but I'm not.  I think I may need to really feel Clark's dominance in order to be able to get myself back to mindset I want & need to be in for us.  I am just not sure how to go about getting what I need without feeling like I am "topping from the bottom" or "scripting" things for him.  I wish this was easier, I think I probably need to spend some (more) time praying about this & make sure I am really listening......

Friday, July 11, 2014

Feeling like a failure

When I was younger some bad things happened to me that should never happen to anyone but unfortunately they do-they happen all the time.  These things happened so long ago that it almost feels like a different life time, and yet these things still effect me.  They still effect my husband, and he has to deal with it even though he had no part in it at all.  This makes me feel weak, and angry and like a failure.  It is something that I have been working on & Clark has been trying to help me with the whole time we have been together & there are some days where I feel I have come a long way.  But, there are other times that I feel like I haven't improved one little bit, and again I feel like I am failing to move on.  These horrible moments usually hit me when Clark and I are being intimate.  The worst part is that I usually have no idea that it is coming & then my demons come for me & make me feel like I am that scared kid again and lock me up inside my own head and I just cannot manage to give Clark a heads up, everything is fine and then I am sobbing, sometimes babbling incoherently, and he is left, as he puts it "like a deer in headlights" at least for a few seconds until his inner superman kicks in & then he is calming, comforting, & holding me.  Talking to & gently pulling me back to him.  But when I am back to him mentally & I look at him  & see the look in his eyes; one of sorrow & a bit of helplessness, I feel that terrible sick feeling in my belly that I have let him down.  I have ruined our intimate moment by allowing my past to creep up on me & crash our party.  I am angry with myself for letting these old experiences paralyze me. I know he doesn't feel this way about the situation, far from it!  He tells me that he loves me and we will work through/get through it together, he tells me he is proud of how far I have come & that he knows I can overcome this & he will do whatever he can to help me.  I also know that if another woman-even a random stranger I just met told me she felt this way I would tell her that she was being way too hard on herself.  I would tell her she needed to forgive herself & trust her man.  I know these things are the right way to look at & deal with this.  I just cannot seem to truly forgive myself for being a kid, for ignoring my first instinct, for being scared, for not being able to stop it, and most importantly for not being able to get over it.  I have talked to a counselor about this (but it was long ago).  I have talked to my husband, I have talked to my "real life" best friend "Dove", and I have talked to my new friend Sass.  Sass has helped me to make some headway that I have been unable to make in the past 23 years and for that I am so very thankful.  She suggested something that no one else has thought to suggest up to now and I am working on taking her up on her suggestion.  I have talked it over with Clark and he is on board, I know I can talk it over with Sass, or Dove even, anytime I need a listening ear.  It will not be a short road but it will be worth it in the end if I can finally stop feeling like a failure.  

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Happy 4th!!!

Happy July 4th to all of you!  Hope you are all getting to spend time with family and/or friends, eat yummy food & see some fireworks!  We will be doing all the above-except we may actually skip the fireworks and make some of our own (wink wink)!! We have TWO yes TWO  (nearly) kid free nights!!  The older two will be gone having a ton of fun with grandparents, uncles and cousins so we will just have the baby-yay!!! I just love having time alone with my man!  We will see the kids at the various events all weekend but have the nights to ourselves-woo hoo!!  
Have a wonderful & safe weekend!
What is everyone else doing?