Promised recipe & an overview of recent struggles...

Hi there, it's been a bit since I last posted or even read a blog...I have been really busy but that's not the reason for my absence.  We have been having a bit of a tough time.  Not just DD wise but overall relationship wise, I haven't felt like there was anything I could write about & share because I have been so confused.  Sad & angry one minute & then happy & hopeful the next....it's been a roller coaster & not the fun kind.  I know this community is here & supportive but I just feel very alone right now.  I love my husband & he loves me, we will work it out, but the interim is really hard.  I don't want to go into all the details & tell the whole long dawn out story but the overview is this;  we communicate VERY differently (even more than just the normal male vs. female differences).  We were also raised was VERY differently.  Although we have been together a long time, it is still not something we have been able to correct consistently.  My MIL (mother in law) is a controlling tyrant.  She is an ice queen & she has never had a real conversation with, or listened to my husband. My husband has never known true & unconditional love from the person who carried him & gave birth to him, he has always had to lie to her & hide his true self to avoid upsetting her.  He has always avoided conflict & hidden his true feelings from her because he knew he would never "win".  Unfortunately this has carried over into our relationship & so there are times that my husband is not honest with me & does not communicate his true feelings and/or intentions with me.  I am a passionate "wear my heart on my sleeve" type person.  I feel everything & I have very good instincts.  I also have very serious trust issues so when I can feel dishonestly but can't place it I get scared start to panic & that makes me angry & sometimes leads to me becoming very irrational & loosing it-not something I am proud of.  One of the things we have been working on with DD is my temper & "passionate outbursts" (for lack of a better term).  Unfortunately when "passionate outburst girl" meets "avoid conflict & placate the aggressor boy" things just fall apart for us very quickly.  I need honesty & open communication & he knows it but doesn't quite know how to give that to me "under pressure".  I have come a long way where my (hair trigger) temper is concerned, but honestly?  I still have a ways to go.  Clark has come a long way with learning to communicate with me, but he too has a ways to go.  To be clear, he isn't dishonest about "important" things.  He has always been faithful to me & our family, he doesn't blow money or gamble or go out til the wee hours of the morning.  We always know where the other is, he doesn't make big decisions without talking things over with me.  It's little things, it's down playing a situation where he is in the wrong, or making himself look better by embellishing a story.  It's occationally going too far with something & then back peddling & denying, causing us to have a deep void between us, rather than just apologizing & being able to move forward together.  When I am not in the moment-later on analyzing or what-have-you, I realize & can see how very sad it all is.  In the moment I watch before my eyes as my big strong man becomes a panicked little boy, desperate to placate, avoid & end the conflict but only perpetuating it by furthering the dishonesty.  Seeing that transformation causes me to feel out of control & then I panic as well.  This is the vicious cycle we find ourselves caught in every so often, usually during times when things are more stressful for one reason or another. There have been a lot of these types of situations over the past few weeks & last week it got really bad, like pre DD us yelling & screaming & (me) swearing and finally I withdrew consent.  Although we had agreed back in May when we redid our rules & contract that I would not withdraw concent again, I would just ask for the 24hr clause, we both felt that a withdrawal of consent was what made sense in this situation.  We were able to communicate & made a lot of progress over the weekend, in coming up with some ideas, putting plans in place, & identifying reasons & triggers for this awful cycle.  Everything is not perfect, this will take time  & a LOT of effort and commitment on both our parts in order to fix this issue long term.  As far as DD goes, as we were about to fall asleep last night he could tell there was something on my mind although I hadn't quite worked out what I wanted to say & whispered "what is it babe?"  I felt shy & nervous to ask the question but I hesitantly lifted my head off his shoulder & whispered haltingly in his ear, "are we-ah, are we going back?"  "To DD you mean?" He asked me.  I ducked my head & nodded into his chest.  "My feelings haven't changed about this Babygirl.  Yes, we will go back."  I felt a mix of relief & nervousness settle into my stomach.  "So...as of right now?  Will I...will I get punished because of everything that happened while we weren't?" (Meaning the huge blowout we had had, my emotional eating fallout which breaks the rules we have (that I asked for) in place to help with my weight loss & just basically trying to live/eat in a healthier way, & a few other little things).  "No, I am not going to punish you for this, it's already been painful enough for both of us.  But...we should do something...." He replied.  I shivered a little & he pulled me closer "a reset?" I asked (in the past they have typically been more intense physically than a punishment, but without the awful feeling that I have disappointed him).  "Yes, I think a reset is what we will need to do."  He said.  Originally the reset was to happen tonight, but because of my curse (aka monthly visitor), he agreed to wait until it goes away to adminstor it....on one hand I hate waiting, but on the other, most of the time we are intimate after a spanking, but we are not when I have my curse, because I am so uncomfortable about it.  I felt better this morning when we sent each other our customary good morning txts....

Clark : "Good morning my Babygirl"

Me: "Good morning Sir".                      

(I had really missed them since I had pulled consent the week before).

Here is the recipe I promised:

               Ricotta egg biscuits 

2 eggs

2 tsp vanilla

1 container of ricotta cheese

2 sticks of butter

2 cups sugar

4 cups flour

1 tsp baking powder

1 tsp baking soda

Whip together softened butter, ricotta, vanilla, eggs & sugar.

Slowly add the dry mixture & mix in kitchen aid/electric mixer with a dough hook attachment till all flour is mixed and you have a smooth dough.

Drop by tablespoons on greased cookie sheets & bake at 350 degrees for 10-12 minutes.

Frosting for the top is just confectionary sugar and a little warm water-should be smooth and spreadable.  You can use a few drops of food coloring to make them more festive!

Enjoy!

Love,

Scarlet ; )

Questionnaire by Meredith.

Meredith has written a questionnaire, I did Dana's and then saw this one, we have had a very crazy few weeks but I finally have a little time to myself so here goes, thanks Meredith....


Do your eyes light up when he comes to you?  Yes & I hope they always do ; )

What sports do you watch together?  American Football!, baseball, basketball, Dodgeball, T-ball....anything our kids are playing lol!


On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is lingerie when it usually ends up on the floor? 0-1, Clark prefers a night gown or long t-shirt with nothing under it, or birthday suit lol!  I have a ton of lingerie & I think as the kids get older & we are not having to "fit in" our "fun time" as much it may make a come back.


Do you watch Netflix's House of Cards? No, we don't have Netflix.


What outdoor activity do you do together? Watching our kids play sports, swimming, & yard work.


What is his dream vacation? 

He would love to go back to Aruba where we honeymooned but for two weeks this time.
 

What is your dream vacation?  I would also love to go back to Aruba.  I would also love to see Italy & Ireland.


What is your favorite book of all time? Too many to choose so I will go with Good Night Moon as it is one of the books I have read at bedtime for many many years ; )

What was your last argument about?   Finding a restaurant to go to for dinner with the kids when we went to see our son at college.

Are there any words you use that he does not like? Anything disrespectful: Fine, whatever, great & sure (said sarcastically of course).


Do you have any restrictions about internet time?
During family time, mealtimes, our alone time, and if I am in trouble.

Do you have a phobia? Yes!  Arachnophobia (fear of spiders),  claustrophobia (fear of being in closed/small places), pnigophobia (fear of being choked).


When do you melt into his arms?
Whenever I am in them (unless I am being stubborn lol).

Are you watching Outlander? No, never heard of it, but I will have to look it up ; )


Does your Hoh have a motto? No, not really.  Just "if it's free it's for me" lol, but no HoHly ones.

What is your question for me? What is your least favorite aspect of DD/TTWD, What is your most favorite aspect & why?

60 Questions

I saw this on Dana's blog, and thought it looked like fun so here goes....Thanks, Dana!

I did the answers to this on this past Tuesday.....

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? Yes, and I have been for the past 14 years ; )

2. Opinions on sex before marriage?

I think it is important to know if you are a good match in ALL ways before marriage.

3. Is trust a big issue for you? Yes, sometimes it is harder than others but overall yes, it's a big issue for me.

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? Yes-doing so now ; )

6. What happened last night? Had a date night with my man-yay!

7. Ever have plastic surgery? No, I would like to have a little bit but Clark says NOWAY! : p

8. Which are better - black or green olives? I prefer black, but green are ok too sometimes.

9. What is the last beverage you had? Water.

10. Ever won a contest? Yes-not recently though.

11. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? Nope ; )

12. What are you gonna do Saturday night? Have maintenance (but we will have gotten to see our son that day & Clark may do mild maintenance because I may be emotional- he is so good to me).

13. What are you going to spend money on next? Hopefully a new vehicle!

14. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? Of course, we all do ; )

15. Can you swim well? No, and Clark used to be a lifeguard so he makes me practice treading water every summer!

16. Have you had sex today? Yes!  It was a beautiful morning ; )

17. Regularly burn incense? No, but Clark does.

18. Are you in a good mood? Yes, just a little anxious.

19. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? NOWAY!!

20. What do you want right this second? Some food-I am ready for dinner!

21. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Yes, I have never colored my whole head, I have done highlights a few times & in college I had a few purple & green streaks ; )

22. Hot tea or cold tea? Either, hot tea is great for getting my milk supply up ; )

23. Tea or coffee? Tea (herbal only), love coffee but due being pregnant & now breastfeeding I have to stay away from it.

24. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? My son at college & my grandmother who passed away-she was like a mother to me & I miss her every day.

25. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Yes, from God, but sometimes it is harder than others for me to give second chances to people.

26. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?  Yes, we are married ; )

27. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?  Yes (well only like once a year).

28. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? Right beside me-yay!

29. Who did you last call? My in-laws.

30. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?  Because I love him (and he is my HoH so I don't say no!)

31. Who would you like to see in concert? OAR, Josh Grobin.

32. What was the last concert you saw? 

Dave Matthews Band (6 mos pregnant & I fell asleep lol)!

33. Do you tan in the nude? Only when I was tanning for my wedding (the one. & only time I have done it).

34. Are you patient? Yes, very.

35. Who was the last person to call you? One of my best friends.

36. Do you sing in the shower? Yes, there are not many places that I don't sing!

37. Ever used a bow and arrow? Nope, & most likely never will-unless a toy one counts lol.

38. Do you think musicals are cheesy? No way!  I love them & cannot wait to get back into doing them.

39. Is Christmas stressful? Yes, but also magical & spiritual & wonderful.

40. Ever eat a pierogi? No, I actually have to look up what they are now lol!

41. Favorite type of fruit pie?  My grandmother's strawberry rhubarb.

42. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A singer, dancer, actor-a "triple threat" & a mommy.

43. Do you believe in ghosts? Not sure....

44. Ever been in love? Yes!

45. Take a vitamin daily? I try to (sometimes I forget).

46. Wear slippers? Only in the winter-the rest of the year I am barefoot.

47. Wear a bath robe? Once in awhile.

48. What do you wear to bed? Comfy stuff.

49. First concert? 

New Kids on The Block!!!

50. Walmart, Target or Kmart? Target & Walmart-Kmart stinks.

51. Nike or Adidas? Nike.

52. Cheetos or Fritos? Fritos all the way!

53. Peanuts or sunflower seeds?

Sunflower seeds in my salad, peanuts as a snack ; )

54. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Oh yes, all the time....

55. What is your favorite book? Don't think I could pick just one, but as a kid Tuck Everlasting, Charlotte's Web, Pipi Longstocking, & the Little House on the Prairy books were my favs & I read them over & over!

56. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? Clark, Sass, & my 2 "rl" friends "Dove" & "Ravin".

57. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Christmas, we have a family pic done every year.

58. Ever have a deja-vu feeling? Yes, and once it happens it happens for several days in a short time frame-it's so weird.

59. Listening to? The a/c whooshing sound.

60. Favorite cookie? Any made by my grandmother, especially her "Ricotta biscuits".

Crazy life

Life has been crazy in our home, for the past few weeks.  We are readying two children for milestones in their educational lives, in the next few weeks our oldest child will be moved into college and although he will not be too far from home he will still not be here.  He is not a mama's boy by any means, but he & I are very very close and I am struggling.  I am trying to focus on the positives, I know this is what he needs to do, it's a right of passage I would never deny him & I am so proud of him-but the fact remains that in my heart he will always be my baby.  My first born, my first true love, my little man.  Not having him around will be a serious adjustment for all of us, emotions are running high and that adds an extra layer of "stickiness" to the situation.  Pre DD I gave in to my temper ALOT, if I was feeling scared, or sad, or hurt it would all be expressed with anger rather that the true emotion I was feeling.  I have come a long way and I do not give into my temper much at all anymore.....normally, that is.  Lately I have been feeling like I should be wearing a warning sign that says "contents under pressure, DO NOT expose to open flame".  I usually go weeks (sometimes a month or more) between earning punishment spankings but within 8 days I managed to earn 5, I also had 3 maintenance sessions and a reset during that period.  I was very sore & very discouraged.  I am doing better this week so far but I am really struggling to stay in control of myself.  I have tried to explain my feelings to Clark but so far I have not been very successfull.  He is fair, none of the spankings I got last week were unwarranted or unearned but I struggled to submit to most of them anyway.  Not physically, I was physically able to put myself over his lap when he told me to, and bend over the table when he told me to, and answer the questions he asked appropriately, and address him just as I should have, but I couldn't bring myself to surrender emotionally.  I hid behind a wall of anger and refused to let the spankings reach me.  I made them worse than they had to be, on me and on Clark.  This week of spankings happened after a week of none at all due to vacation & not having any privacy and it started with a reset.  My attitude was bad and I ended up getting punished on top of the reset.  The next day we were doing ok, but when we discussed a mistake that Clark made I got angry all over again & made comments that were uncalled for.  I really pushed it, because although Clark is usually slow to announce that I have crossed a line, or he gives warnings before he "sentences" me, this time he told me immediately that I was getting a spanking that night when we got home  because of my behavior.  So what did I do?  Accept my fate appropriately & apologize?  Nope!  I shrugged my shoulders & said "oh well, I don't care, do whatever you want". It was the exact opposite of how I was truly feeling.   I felt awful about what I had said & I was very nervous about getting another spanking after getting two the night before, but I could not let myself give in to his authority.  Clark usually waits to lecture until the time comes to carry out the spanking but we were in the car on the way to a family function, the kids were distracted and he had time so he delivered a very thorough lecture that had begun to penitrate my "defenses" but then we arrived and the lecture/conversation had to be paused.  I stayed away from Clark for the first hour we were there, I just wanted some space to think.  I knew I was wrong for how I had acted, I knew the spanking to come was deserved but I just did not feel like "surrendering" to him, I knew that was wrong also, but I had no idea how to find my submission again.  I did end up apologizing after taking some time to think, and he appreciated my apology.  I also told him I had finally just gotten my "monthly visitor" aka my "curse".  He felt that PMS had played a big part in my bad behavior but not that it absolved me of wrong doing (not that I had expected or even hoped it world have), but that does change the way we do spanking so he needed to know anyway.  Due to it being extremely humiliating to me, we no longer do bare bottomed spanking when I have my "curse".  Sometimes he will wait until it is over to conduct the spanking but since it was the 1st day he decided to go ahead with an over the clothes spanking.  By the time we got home that night my attitude had gone right back to defensive & a bit fowl.  He tried talking to me before we went to the basement to "settle up", I told him that I knew I was wrong in how I handled my disappointment due to the mistake he had made & that I knew I was going to get punished but that I just did not feel submissive at all & didn't even feel like I wanted to submit.  He asked me why very gently & almost pleadingly & I told him I didn't know.  And I didn't, I wasn't lying or distancing or anything, I just felt angry and rebellious & like I just wanted to go away from everyone.  Him being gentle & calm with me when I am like this is just not what I need unfortunately, but I don't get to control the way other people act and react, only myself.  I also have trouble asking for help, Clark hates that I very rarely ask him for help when I am starting to get stressed & overwhelmed but it is very hard for me.  I have tried explaining to him that if I can manage to tell him I am feeling stressed that is sometimes all I can handle.  Clark unfortunately is not good at taking hints at times & needs things spelled out for him-this ends up not working out well for either of us.  I was (and still am) feeling out of control.   I am sad, and anxious and a little bit scared because my baby boy is leaving me & I want to handle it well but I'm not.  I think I may need to really feel Clark's dominance in order to be able to get myself back to mindset I want & need to be in for us.  I am just not sure how to go about getting what I need without feeling like I am "topping from the bottom" or "scripting" things for him.  I wish this was easier, I think I probably need to spend some (more) time praying about this & make sure I am really listening......

Feeling like a failure

When I was younger some bad things happened to me that should never happen to anyone but unfortunately they do-they happen all the time.  These things happened so long ago that it almost feels like a different life time, and yet these things still effect me.  They still effect my husband, and he has to deal with it even though he had no part in it at all.  This makes me feel weak, and angry and like a failure.  It is something that I have been working on & Clark has been trying to help me with the whole time we have been together & there are some days where I feel I have come a long way.  But, there are other times that I feel like I haven't improved one little bit, and again I feel like I am failing to move on.  These horrible moments usually hit me when Clark and I are being intimate.  The worst part is that I usually have no idea that it is coming & then my demons come for me & make me feel like I am that scared kid again and lock me up inside my own head and I just cannot manage to give Clark a heads up, everything is fine and then I am sobbing, sometimes babbling incoherently, and he is left, as he puts it "like a deer in headlights" at least for a few seconds until his inner superman kicks in & then he is calming, comforting, & holding me.  Talking to & gently pulling me back to him.  But when I am back to him mentally & I look at him  & see the look in his eyes; one of sorrow & a bit of helplessness, I feel that terrible sick feeling in my belly that I have let him down.  I have ruined our intimate moment by allowing my past to creep up on me & crash our party.  I am angry with myself for letting these old experiences paralyze me. I know he doesn't feel this way about the situation, far from it!  He tells me that he loves me and we will work through/get through it together, he tells me he is proud of how far I have come & that he knows I can overcome this & he will do whatever he can to help me.  I also know that if another woman-even a random stranger I just met told me she felt this way I would tell her that she was being way too hard on herself.  I would tell her she needed to forgive herself & trust her man.  I know these things are the right way to look at & deal with this.  I just cannot seem to truly forgive myself for being a kid, for ignoring my first instinct, for being scared, for not being able to stop it, and most importantly for not being able to get over it.  I have talked to a counselor about this (but it was long ago).  I have talked to my husband, I have talked to my "real life" best friend "Dove", and I have talked to my new friend Sass.  Sass has helped me to make some headway that I have been unable to make in the past 23 years and for that I am so very thankful.  She suggested something that no one else has thought to suggest up to now and I am working on taking her up on her suggestion.  I have talked it over with Clark and he is on board, I know I can talk it over with Sass, or Dove even, anytime I need a listening ear.  It will not be a short road but it will be worth it in the end if I can finally stop feeling like a failure.  

Happy 4th!!!

Happy July 4th to all of you!  Hope you are all getting to spend time with family and/or friends, eat yummy food & see some fireworks!  We will be doing all the above-except we may actually skip the fireworks and make some of our own (wink wink)!! We have TWO yes TWO  (nearly) kid free nights!!  The older two will be gone having a ton of fun with grandparents, uncles and cousins so we will just have the baby-yay!!! I just love having time alone with my man!  We will see the kids at the various events all weekend but have the nights to ourselves-woo hoo!!  

Have a wonderful & safe weekend!

What is everyone else doing?

Maintenance missed

I know maintenance is not right for everyone but it (mostly) works for us.

When I first presented the idea of maintenance to Clark he was a little hesitant, he couldn't wrap his head around spanking me when I hadn't done anything wrong if it wasn't a fun & sexy kind of spanking.  But we had several conversations over a few weeks and I would give examples of times where maintenance might be helpful, and unfortunately (for both of us), we had a week where I got punished almost every day for various infractions but many that centered around attitude & disrespect (I am ashamed to say).  We were very connected but exhausted from the emotional roller coaster that comes with punishment.  We had another long discussion & Clark asked some very specific questions about maintenance and decided we would start having a session every Saturday night.  There was a noticeable positive effect which seemed to last a few days each time, and greatly reduced the frequency of punishment.  We hit a very rough patch a few months ago with not having enough time together due to work & kids & life & we needed to sit down & revamp everything DD related & at that time Clark decided that maintenance needed to be upped to 2 days a week. So Wednesday  night was added as the second maintenance night.  It was hard at first to admit that it was what I needed but when I went 5 weeks without a punishment & then 6 weeks it became pretty clear to both of us that this was in fact what I needed-correction-what we needed.  Clark is very adamant about maintenance being something that we both need & he stresses that in the lecture he gives both before and during the spanking.  

We had had several late nights in a row and a long conversation late Friday night/early Saturday morning about many things including the fact that I couldn't handle staying up as late as we had been as I was starting to feel physically & mentally run down.  It was a good conversation, we both felt heard but it was another very late night, & we had to be up early the next morning, so we went to bed without any reconnecting activities.  We had a very busy day and due to being tired, didn't really handle a few situations as well as we could have.  We got home much later than we planned that night and it was after midnight once we had the kids in bed and were officially "alone".  "It's already after midnight baby girl," Clark began, "so we are not going to do maintenance tonight, we will try for tomorrow night instead.  We just talked last night about the late nights and so I wanted to talk to you about it & be clear that we will just move maintenance to tomorrow rather than not communicating what I was thinking and going to bed."  I felt upset that we wouldn't be doing maintenance because I felt like we had had a stressful day and I had been hoping we would have time to reconnect, but I also wanted to be his good girl & follow his lead and not question or push when he was trying to honor the commitment he had made the night before to help me to get more rest. Another emotion added on top of this conflict inside me was fear.  We had been very inconsistant which was one of the reasons for adding maintenance in our relationship, and I was very afraid of going back to that inconsistant frustrating place that we had been before.  So I took a few deep breaths and say "Yes Sir, thank you Sir, I am very tired."  Now some of you may think that it was dishonest to keep these thoughts to myself and instead say what I said, but I felt that what I was choosing to do at that moment was to not shake my husband's confidence by adding those emotional responses to the situation.  As I said we were both very tired and I felt that holding back for that moment was what I needed to do. I needed to let my husband's words be the final ones for that night.  We snuggled and fell asleep.  The next day was another busy one, but being a work night we did get home and get the kids in bed at a much more reasonable time.  Once we were alone Clark told me to go use the bathroom if I needed to and then meet him in the basement.  He didn't forget, he didn't push it off another night, and we actually didn't have too much tension throughout the day because we had slept and felt much more refreshed.  I felt very good about the choice I had made the night before to hold off on voicing my concerns.  Maintenance for us has always been done with "just" his hand, but I recently made some new implements and Clark decided that from now on we will be using different implements for part of our maintenance spankings so that he is able to become more comfortable with & gage the effectiveness of our implements in a non punishment setting.  I was really nervous because it was new, but Clark did a wonderful job of reassuring me and then he began.  It was intense, but it ended up to be a great session.  We had an even better time reconnecting once the spanking was over ; ) & I went to bed very happy, content & submissive.  We both write in our journals after any spanking that takes place & then read what the other has written to help each other know what was going on internally before, during and after the spanking.  So it was there that I told my husband about my emotional struggle with his decision to move maintenance, but that I felt that the outcome was a  very positive one for both of us.  He was pleased with my effort to follow his lead even when it initially felt "wrong" to me, and he thanked me for not second guessing him and causing him to doubt his decision.  I may not always have an easy time following his lead & he may not always have an easy time leading but I was very proud of us this time around & it really made me want to try even harder to follow him when it's "uncomfortable" to do so.  Oh, and the new implement?  It was a loopy Johnny & yeah it HURT!  It felt like I had a sunburn on my bum all the next day....which I told him in txt, but I followed up by saying "but, it's a good reminder, so thank you Sir" and his response was "sorry it feels like a sun burn honey, but I am glad I could help my Babygirl".  

And that is just what he did ; )