Crazy life

Life has been crazy in our home, for the past few weeks.  We are readying two children for milestones in their educational lives, in the next few weeks our oldest child will be moved into college and although he will not be too far from home he will still not be here.  He is not a mama's boy by any means, but he & I are very very close and I am struggling.  I am trying to focus on the positives, I know this is what he needs to do, it's a right of passage I would never deny him & I am so proud of him-but the fact remains that in my heart he will always be my baby.  My first born, my first true love, my little man.  Not having him around will be a serious adjustment for all of us, emotions are running high and that adds an extra layer of "stickiness" to the situation.  Pre DD I gave in to my temper ALOT, if I was feeling scared, or sad, or hurt it would all be expressed with anger rather that the true emotion I was feeling.  I have come a long way and I do not give into my temper much at all anymore.....normally, that is.  Lately I have been feeling like I should be wearing a warning sign that says "contents under pressure, DO NOT expose to open flame".  I usually go weeks (sometimes a month or more) between earning punishment spankings but within 8 days I managed to earn 5, I also had 3 maintenance sessions and a reset during that period.  I was very sore & very discouraged.  I am doing better this week so far but I am really struggling to stay in control of myself.  I have tried to explain my feelings to Clark but so far I have not been very successfull.  He is fair, none of the spankings I got last week were unwarranted or unearned but I struggled to submit to most of them anyway.  Not physically, I was physically able to put myself over his lap when he told me to, and bend over the table when he told me to, and answer the questions he asked appropriately, and address him just as I should have, but I couldn't bring myself to surrender emotionally.  I hid behind a wall of anger and refused to let the spankings reach me.  I made them worse than they had to be, on me and on Clark.  This week of spankings happened after a week of none at all due to vacation & not having any privacy and it started with a reset.  My attitude was bad and I ended up getting punished on top of the reset.  The next day we were doing ok, but when we discussed a mistake that Clark made I got angry all over again & made comments that were uncalled for.  I really pushed it, because although Clark is usually slow to announce that I have crossed a line, or he gives warnings before he "sentences" me, this time he told me immediately that I was getting a spanking that night when we got home  because of my behavior.  So what did I do?  Accept my fate appropriately & apologize?  Nope!  I shrugged my shoulders & said "oh well, I don't care, do whatever you want". It was the exact opposite of how I was truly feeling.   I felt awful about what I had said & I was very nervous about getting another spanking after getting two the night before, but I could not let myself give in to his authority.  Clark usually waits to lecture until the time comes to carry out the spanking but we were in the car on the way to a family function, the kids were distracted and he had time so he delivered a very thorough lecture that had begun to penitrate my "defenses" but then we arrived and the lecture/conversation had to be paused.  I stayed away from Clark for the first hour we were there, I just wanted some space to think.  I knew I was wrong for how I had acted, I knew the spanking to come was deserved but I just did not feel like "surrendering" to him, I knew that was wrong also, but I had no idea how to find my submission again.  I did end up apologizing after taking some time to think, and he appreciated my apology.  I also told him I had finally just gotten my "monthly visitor" aka my "curse".  He felt that PMS had played a big part in my bad behavior but not that it absolved me of wrong doing (not that I had expected or even hoped it world have), but that does change the way we do spanking so he needed to know anyway.  Due to it being extremely humiliating to me, we no longer do bare bottomed spanking when I have my "curse".  Sometimes he will wait until it is over to conduct the spanking but since it was the 1st day he decided to go ahead with an over the clothes spanking.  By the time we got home that night my attitude had gone right back to defensive & a bit fowl.  He tried talking to me before we went to the basement to "settle up", I told him that I knew I was wrong in how I handled my disappointment due to the mistake he had made & that I knew I was going to get punished but that I just did not feel submissive at all & didn't even feel like I wanted to submit.  He asked me why very gently & almost pleadingly & I told him I didn't know.  And I didn't, I wasn't lying or distancing or anything, I just felt angry and rebellious & like I just wanted to go away from everyone.  Him being gentle & calm with me when I am like this is just not what I need unfortunately, but I don't get to control the way other people act and react, only myself.  I also have trouble asking for help, Clark hates that I very rarely ask him for help when I am starting to get stressed & overwhelmed but it is very hard for me.  I have tried explaining to him that if I can manage to tell him I am feeling stressed that is sometimes all I can handle.  Clark unfortunately is not good at taking hints at times & needs things spelled out for him-this ends up not working out well for either of us.  I was (and still am) feeling out of control.   I am sad, and anxious and a little bit scared because my baby boy is leaving me & I want to handle it well but I'm not.  I think I may need to really feel Clark's dominance in order to be able to get myself back to mindset I want & need to be in for us.  I am just not sure how to go about getting what I need without feeling like I am "topping from the bottom" or "scripting" things for him.  I wish this was easier, I think I probably need to spend some (more) time praying about this & make sure I am really listening......

Intense Maintenance

I broke a rule Monday night totally accidentally & in my own defense it is a relatively new rule for us & even Clark forgot that it was an official rule...,.its a rule we made about keeping him in the loop where our children are concerned, for example if one of them wanted to go somewhere rather than me just saying yes or no I should talk to Clark and we should make the decision together, or if I get an email from a teacher whatever is in the email I need to disclose ASAP.  All of this may sound like a no brainer but we had gotten into the habit of me being the one that handled pretty much all the "kid related" stuff and sometimes that meant that Clark was left totally in the dark and many times it caused tension and arguments even after we started DD.  So recently we revamped our rules & that one got added.  

So back to my story, I broke the rule accidentally, it was a matter of me not remembering the rule & so I gave our son the green light to stop (quickly) for ice cream on his way home-he was coming home to finish some school related work that he had been putting off & it had to be done that night.  I told Clark what our son had asked & that I told him to be fast.  Initially Clark seemed ok about it but what should have been a 15-20 minute stop ended up to be an hour so Clark got really upset & since I was the one who let him go the aggravation/anger was directed at me.  I apologized but he wasn't really ready to hear it & said we would talk later which I thought meant I was in trouble.  Once our son was busy upstairs doing the pending assignments I sat quietly and waited for him to "sentence" me.  Instead, he started talking & said something very hurtful, it was a direct hit to my heart.  Tears sprang to my eyes instantly & I felt like I couldn't breath.  I just stood up and went to the kitchen & began to prepare food, he came in a few minutes later, rubbed my shoulders & kissed the top of my head so I really thought he was going to apologize for what he said, but he didn't.  I asked him how much trouble I was in and he got upset all over again saying he was just so aggravated that he couldn't even think about what it "fell under" (meaning he couldn't think of which one of the 5 D's this offense fell under).  I said okay & I apologized again.  He said he knew I was sorry but he was still upset, he said "I really thought we were on the same page but then you just let him go do something fun before getting his work done, work that should have been done a long time ago but he waited until the last minute to do!" And he walked away.  I understood why he was upset and I felt badly about having let him down, but I was still very hurt and upset about what he had said.  I finished making the food & served him in the living room then went back to the kitchen to clean up.  The more I thought about what he said the more upset I got until I felt like I would burst into tears at any second.  When he finished eating he came in to find me. "Are you ok?  You have been very quiet & you don't seem like yourself" he said.  Not stopping what I was doing I said "I'm ok." But it wasn't very convincing.  "I know you feel bad, but this seems like something more than that." He said. Still moving around busily I answered,  "I said I'm ok.  I don't really want to talk about this".  "Well I'm sorry Babygirl, but we need to talk". He replied, "well I don't want to" I insisted "I'm not ready" I threw in hoping he would let it go-I am still struggling a bit with being vulnerable to Clark when he has hurt my feelings, I really hate to cry in front of him at times like this because it makes me feel weak-I know that isn't really right of me to feel that way and it's nothing Clark has done to make me feel that way, but I haven't figured out how to change it yet.  "I want to respect your feelings and give you some space but first I need to know what it is that has you so upset.  Stop what you are doing and tell me what it is." He said firmly.  I tried to keep moving, I could feel the tears dangerously close to spilling out & I was fighting them hard "Scarlet O'Harra Kent!  Stop what you are doing and talk to me right NOW." He said very sternly.  "I don't...I can't..." I choked out as the tears started falling.  He stepped toward me and tried to pull me in for a hug.  "No," I said putting my hand up  " please don't touch me right now" being touched when I am crying just makes the floodgates open up. He stopped but said "Scarlet, I want to hold you, I want to comfort you. I need to comfort you." Tears rolling down I said "I don't want you to comfort me!  You said....you said.,.you said I was 'not a mom I was just his friend'!"  He looked shocked & said "what?? I said what??  That is NOT what I meant Scarlet!  I would never....I was really upset and I must have just mixed up my words.  What I said was not at ALL what I meant to say."  Let me just say that there are not many things that I feel confident in but being a mother is one of them (most of the time) it's very much attached to my identity, my sense of self worth, and to have him say what he said had been a direct hit to my heart. "What I meant to say was that he needs you to be his mom at times like these , not his friend.  I know you are both now that he is older, but all I meant to say was that you needed to be 'just a mom not a friend', but I was flustered and hungry and it came out backward without me even knowing it and I am so sorry.  I never meant to hurt you.  I feel sick that I said that and that you thought I meant that.  I think you are a wonderfull mother-you know that babygirl." I did let him hold me then & I cried on his chest.  We talked some more and revisited the fact that what caused all of this was the rule break, so a consequence was needed.  However, Clark felt that because of the miscommunication a punishment spanking would be too much, "tomorrow night you will get an extra maintenance session because I do want to enforce the rule, it will be intense maintenance but not a punishment because I made a mistake also and I was careless with my words.  I expect you to be careful of your words upset or not and I am not above that expectation." 

The maintenance was very intense, but Clark was very careful with his words as he lectured and reassured me, before, during, and after the spanking.  Even Heads of Households make mistakes-we are all only human.  We both felt better and more connected afterward, I was a little sore but my heart felt light ; )

Where to begin...

Hi, my name is Scarlet & I am in a DD marriage with my wonderful husband Clark who is my very own Superman ; )

I have been reading many different blogs for the past two years and wanting to start my own but always hesitating because I was nervous about keeping my anonymity-but I have been encouraged by Clark as well as a few women that I have emailed with back and forth, but especially one woman who although she never has pushed me has let me know she is excited for me & has been there for me & helped me process things and I am very greatful to her for her gentle nudges toward starting my own blog-thank you Sass!

How & when did DD start for us?  Well, officially it has been a little over two years that we have been working toward this dynamic, but for me my submission & my journey toward accepting that I am happiest when being submissive has been going on ALOT longer.

Clark is a gentle giant who would never in his wildest dreams have imagined that he would ever spank his wife.  When I first asked him to it was as part of  lighthearted foreplay and nothing else.  I felt that there was something wrong with me for wanting/needing it and so although I felt that something was missing I just kept that to myself & pretended it was just a kink of mine, I was very afraid that my (then) extremely vanilla husband would think less of me & reject me so I just let it be for fun for a very long time.  We didn't do it all the time just on & off, but it got to a point where I began to be frustrated with the fact that it always seemed to end before I got what I was needing from it.  It was shortly after the second of our three children was born that we hit a VERY rough patch in our marriage.  We still had sex but I was not interested at all which was very upsetting because my drive had always been very high and all of a sudden it was non-existent.  We got to this rough patch slowly but once we got there it was really awful all at once.  I had become a person that I really didn't like, I felt very alone & like all the responsibility for our home & children was on me.  I was mean to my husband & he accepted it.  I knew how to tear him down very well.  I am ashamed of it still, but at the time I felt totally justified because my husband wasn't "living up to" what I thought he  "should be" doing as a husband & father.  We went to marriage counseling for a little while & it helped some but we still weren't quite right.  I had always had a very special relationship with my paternal grandmother, she was more like a mother than grandmother to me & I looked up to, & respected her very much.  She was always submissive to my grandfather and they were happily married for over 60 years!  So I talked to her about marriage and slowly I started looking at things differently where my husband was concerned.  I lost her suddenly just over 2yrs ago & I was totally devastated.  We were also trying to get pregnant & having a hard time so things were super stressful and then a friend suggested I read 50 Shades of Gray.  So I did & although the books are not great, they were very helpful to my husband and I because they opened up a dialog that eventually lead to me researching "dominance", "submission", "spanking", and eventually I found domestic discipline blogs and although I was initially horrified, I shared it all with Clark.  Then I finally let myself be honest with myself.  I knew this was what I wanted, to be held accountable, to be loved and cherished and protected and dominated.  I told my husband that I wanted to try it. & he told me that he would be willing to try anything for me.  Anything that would make me keep smiling the way I had been since I read the books & started the research.  So we began, and it's been a long hall!  We have had many ups and downs but we are working together & I no longer feel alone, I know I have my own personal Superman in Clark & we will get past any obstical as long as we work together!