Crazy life

Life has been crazy in our home, for the past few weeks.  We are readying two children for milestones in their educational lives, in the next few weeks our oldest child will be moved into college and although he will not be too far from home he will still not be here.  He is not a mama's boy by any means, but he & I are very very close and I am struggling.  I am trying to focus on the positives, I know this is what he needs to do, it's a right of passage I would never deny him & I am so proud of him-but the fact remains that in my heart he will always be my baby.  My first born, my first true love, my little man.  Not having him around will be a serious adjustment for all of us, emotions are running high and that adds an extra layer of "stickiness" to the situation.  Pre DD I gave in to my temper ALOT, if I was feeling scared, or sad, or hurt it would all be expressed with anger rather that the true emotion I was feeling.  I have come a long way and I do not give into my temper much at all anymore.....normally, that is.  Lately I have been feeling like I should be wearing a warning sign that says "contents under pressure, DO NOT expose to open flame".  I usually go weeks (sometimes a month or more) between earning punishment spankings but within 8 days I managed to earn 5, I also had 3 maintenance sessions and a reset during that period.  I was very sore & very discouraged.  I am doing better this week so far but I am really struggling to stay in control of myself.  I have tried to explain my feelings to Clark but so far I have not been very successfull.  He is fair, none of the spankings I got last week were unwarranted or unearned but I struggled to submit to most of them anyway.  Not physically, I was physically able to put myself over his lap when he told me to, and bend over the table when he told me to, and answer the questions he asked appropriately, and address him just as I should have, but I couldn't bring myself to surrender emotionally.  I hid behind a wall of anger and refused to let the spankings reach me.  I made them worse than they had to be, on me and on Clark.  This week of spankings happened after a week of none at all due to vacation & not having any privacy and it started with a reset.  My attitude was bad and I ended up getting punished on top of the reset.  The next day we were doing ok, but when we discussed a mistake that Clark made I got angry all over again & made comments that were uncalled for.  I really pushed it, because although Clark is usually slow to announce that I have crossed a line, or he gives warnings before he "sentences" me, this time he told me immediately that I was getting a spanking that night when we got home  because of my behavior.  So what did I do?  Accept my fate appropriately & apologize?  Nope!  I shrugged my shoulders & said "oh well, I don't care, do whatever you want". It was the exact opposite of how I was truly feeling.   I felt awful about what I had said & I was very nervous about getting another spanking after getting two the night before, but I could not let myself give in to his authority.  Clark usually waits to lecture until the time comes to carry out the spanking but we were in the car on the way to a family function, the kids were distracted and he had time so he delivered a very thorough lecture that had begun to penitrate my "defenses" but then we arrived and the lecture/conversation had to be paused.  I stayed away from Clark for the first hour we were there, I just wanted some space to think.  I knew I was wrong for how I had acted, I knew the spanking to come was deserved but I just did not feel like "surrendering" to him, I knew that was wrong also, but I had no idea how to find my submission again.  I did end up apologizing after taking some time to think, and he appreciated my apology.  I also told him I had finally just gotten my "monthly visitor" aka my "curse".  He felt that PMS had played a big part in my bad behavior but not that it absolved me of wrong doing (not that I had expected or even hoped it world have), but that does change the way we do spanking so he needed to know anyway.  Due to it being extremely humiliating to me, we no longer do bare bottomed spanking when I have my "curse".  Sometimes he will wait until it is over to conduct the spanking but since it was the 1st day he decided to go ahead with an over the clothes spanking.  By the time we got home that night my attitude had gone right back to defensive & a bit fowl.  He tried talking to me before we went to the basement to "settle up", I told him that I knew I was wrong in how I handled my disappointment due to the mistake he had made & that I knew I was going to get punished but that I just did not feel submissive at all & didn't even feel like I wanted to submit.  He asked me why very gently & almost pleadingly & I told him I didn't know.  And I didn't, I wasn't lying or distancing or anything, I just felt angry and rebellious & like I just wanted to go away from everyone.  Him being gentle & calm with me when I am like this is just not what I need unfortunately, but I don't get to control the way other people act and react, only myself.  I also have trouble asking for help, Clark hates that I very rarely ask him for help when I am starting to get stressed & overwhelmed but it is very hard for me.  I have tried explaining to him that if I can manage to tell him I am feeling stressed that is sometimes all I can handle.  Clark unfortunately is not good at taking hints at times & needs things spelled out for him-this ends up not working out well for either of us.  I was (and still am) feeling out of control.   I am sad, and anxious and a little bit scared because my baby boy is leaving me & I want to handle it well but I'm not.  I think I may need to really feel Clark's dominance in order to be able to get myself back to mindset I want & need to be in for us.  I am just not sure how to go about getting what I need without feeling like I am "topping from the bottom" or "scripting" things for him.  I wish this was easier, I think I probably need to spend some (more) time praying about this & make sure I am really listening......