Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Crazy life
Life has been crazy in our home, for the past few weeks. We are readying two children for milestones in their educational lives, in the next few weeks our oldest child will be moved into college and although he will not be too far from home he will still not be here. He is not a mama's boy by any means, but he & I are very very close and I am struggling. I am trying to focus on the positives, I know this is what he needs to do, it's a right of passage I would never deny him & I am so proud of him-but the fact remains that in my heart he will always be my baby. My first born, my first true love, my little man. Not having him around will be a serious adjustment for all of us, emotions are running high and that adds an extra layer of "stickiness" to the situation. Pre DD I gave in to my temper ALOT, if I was feeling scared, or sad, or hurt it would all be expressed with anger rather that the true emotion I was feeling. I have come a long way and I do not give into my temper much at all anymore.....normally, that is. Lately I have been feeling like I should be wearing a warning sign that says "contents under pressure, DO NOT expose to open flame". I usually go weeks (sometimes a month or more) between earning punishment spankings but within 8 days I managed to earn 5, I also had 3 maintenance sessions and a reset during that period. I was very sore & very discouraged. I am doing better this week so far but I am really struggling to stay in control of myself. I have tried to explain my feelings to Clark but so far I have not been very successfull. He is fair, none of the spankings I got last week were unwarranted or unearned but I struggled to submit to most of them anyway. Not physically, I was physically able to put myself over his lap when he told me to, and bend over the table when he told me to, and answer the questions he asked appropriately, and address him just as I should have, but I couldn't bring myself to surrender emotionally. I hid behind a wall of anger and refused to let the spankings reach me. I made them worse than they had to be, on me and on Clark. This week of spankings happened after a week of none at all due to vacation & not having any privacy and it started with a reset. My attitude was bad and I ended up getting punished on top of the reset. The next day we were doing ok, but when we discussed a mistake that Clark made I got angry all over again & made comments that were uncalled for. I really pushed it, because although Clark is usually slow to announce that I have crossed a line, or he gives warnings before he "sentences" me, this time he told me immediately that I was getting a spanking that night when we got home because of my behavior. So what did I do? Accept my fate appropriately & apologize? Nope! I shrugged my shoulders & said "oh well, I don't care, do whatever you want". It was the exact opposite of how I was truly feeling. I felt awful about what I had said & I was very nervous about getting another spanking after getting two the night before, but I could not let myself give in to his authority. Clark usually waits to lecture until the time comes to carry out the spanking but we were in the car on the way to a family function, the kids were distracted and he had time so he delivered a very thorough lecture that had begun to penitrate my "defenses" but then we arrived and the lecture/conversation had to be paused. I stayed away from Clark for the first hour we were there, I just wanted some space to think. I knew I was wrong for how I had acted, I knew the spanking to come was deserved but I just did not feel like "surrendering" to him, I knew that was wrong also, but I had no idea how to find my submission again. I did end up apologizing after taking some time to think, and he appreciated my apology. I also told him I had finally just gotten my "monthly visitor" aka my "curse". He felt that PMS had played a big part in my bad behavior but not that it absolved me of wrong doing (not that I had expected or even hoped it world have), but that does change the way we do spanking so he needed to know anyway. Due to it being extremely humiliating to me, we no longer do bare bottomed spanking when I have my "curse". Sometimes he will wait until it is over to conduct the spanking but since it was the 1st day he decided to go ahead with an over the clothes spanking. By the time we got home that night my attitude had gone right back to defensive & a bit fowl. He tried talking to me before we went to the basement to "settle up", I told him that I knew I was wrong in how I handled my disappointment due to the mistake he had made & that I knew I was going to get punished but that I just did not feel submissive at all & didn't even feel like I wanted to submit. He asked me why very gently & almost pleadingly & I told him I didn't know. And I didn't, I wasn't lying or distancing or anything, I just felt angry and rebellious & like I just wanted to go away from everyone. Him being gentle & calm with me when I am like this is just not what I need unfortunately, but I don't get to control the way other people act and react, only myself. I also have trouble asking for help, Clark hates that I very rarely ask him for help when I am starting to get stressed & overwhelmed but it is very hard for me. I have tried explaining to him that if I can manage to tell him I am feeling stressed that is sometimes all I can handle. Clark unfortunately is not good at taking hints at times & needs things spelled out for him-this ends up not working out well for either of us. I was (and still am) feeling out of control. I am sad, and anxious and a little bit scared because my baby boy is leaving me & I want to handle it well but I'm not. I think I may need to really feel Clark's dominance in order to be able to get myself back to mindset I want & need to be in for us. I am just not sure how to go about getting what I need without feeling like I am "topping from the bottom" or "scripting" things for him. I wish this was easier, I think I probably need to spend some (more) time praying about this & make sure I am really listening......
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I think you are right and well wrong. LOL. I think you are right about why you are angry. If I am to base your situation on my life experiences, I would say that you are protecting yourself ( or think you are) from the hurt and anxiety of your son moving away. I have a year to go for that one, but I felt it in my heart reading about your son going. I don't do well, as I have said many times before all over blog land, with multi-emotionalizing. Meaning I can't isolate my emotions of anger or protection mode to just 'my son leaving' and not have it carry through elsewhere. I feel I need to be on guard at all times.
ReplyDeleteHaving said what I believe you are right about ...now on to the wrong. Expressing what you think might work for you to be back on track is NOT topping from the bottom. Gah, I wish that saying would just fly away and never be expressed again. I think so many people get more confused because of that saying. Open and honest communication is just that. Your husband isn't a mind reader. He can't take hints ( and really what man can- or maybe we just aren't speaking their language so they can't see the hints), Informing your leader how to help you and benefit the team is doing your part to maintain the dynamic. Remember whatever he decides to do with this information is entirely up to him. Now I would say, if you said, " You need to spank me for blah, blah, blah, if you want to have me be submissive" well that isn't very submissive. LOL But saying, " Clark, I think I may need to really feel your dominance right now so that I can let go because......." isn't.In my NOT so humble opinion.
Good luck, expressing your perceived needs is also so very vulnerable Scarlet.
willie
Yes Willie,
DeleteYou are right, I am absolutely not able to compartmentalze my feelings. I am not a waffle lol I am spaghetti! My friend told me about a book that discribed men as waffles (full of compartments that do not touch one another) and women as spaghetti (who touch everywhere & effect everything it touches). I feel like in this case I was thinking it would be like topping from the bottom or scripting because I feel like it may end up being a lot of me telling him exactly the kinds of things I need to hear & him trying to say them to me word for word. When I get like this he is sometimes unsure how to deal with me & I don't want to mess with the progress he has made...ugh I REALLY do not want to be vulnerable right now (it hurts too much) but I know I need to be....
Oh I hear ya! A week before our vacation I found out something about our son. I was curled up in a ball sitting on the floor of our storage room sobbing. Barney found me and didn't say to me what in my head I wished he had. I closed up again, and moved on. All the while just wishing then that he hadn't found me so I could have cried it out!
DeleteWe went away, and had a great time, but that problem just lay there. I think it is putting a slight block between us- or rather preventing me from letting go completely. That coupled with the bump in our routine due to the vacation.
The danger with being vulnerable is the reaction from others when we do. What if I pour myself out to him, and he doesn't see me as vulnerable? What if he reacts in a way that frustrates me further?
Maybe preface your worry to Clark? "I am afraid of scripting you or ruining our progress but part of me wonders if......."
Waffles huh? I like it! In difficult times I think I might be thecapital letter L. this part -> l <- representing the wall I put up and this _ the flat line emotion behind it. Sigh.
Ah honey.. I hear ya.. My third just left. it gets no easier. And I get it.. sometimes I want to grab The man and say "DO YOU NOT SEE I AM DROWNING?" And, they don't. Men just do not get the heart of a mom, anymore than we do the heart of a dad. And it's painful, emotionally, and well, it's just much easier to be angry and defiant than hurt and needy. It is not topping from the bottom to say.. I need you to help me. Then it is up to him to decide how that plays out..
ReplyDeleteYeah, I can't imagine it will get much easier....since each child has a special relationship with us, how could it right? I am not having a hard time with letting him be independent, just sad about not getting to see his handsome face everyday....I have been hugging him extra long & hard & (he kind of thinks it's weird but I have done it since he was a baby) breathing in the scent of his neck, he still smells sweet to me (except after football lol)!
DeleteYes, you are right I will try to let him know how I feel. & then leave it to him to decide what to do about it...it's sooo much easier typed here to you though than it is for me to "spit it out" when talking to him...he will say "it's me Babygirl, you can say anything to me, you know that" and I do, so although it's still hard I will do it....
Thanks for your support Dana ; )
Scarlett,
DeleteHave you thought about writing to him? Texting? Or using instant message? I know it sounds crazy but The Man and I do that a lot when what I need to tell him is just painful, and so very hard. We determined that telling can come in any form.. just so I do.
I have thought about it but for some reason I have been holding back....I usually do write to him, especially when I am feeling low.....my desense mechanism is up pretty solidly ; (. Maybe our new paddle will have to help to bring it down.... Ugh!
DeleteI can totally relate to almost everything you blogged about. I get it. Like Willie said, being vulnerable is so hard. I find it a really hard balance between opening up, and not feeling like a burden. It's easy to keep those walls up, and not let them in, and asking for help is so hard. I know they're not mind readers....how I wish they were.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I'm in the middle of a cluster too, I can go for so long without a spanking, and then I have a week or two where they seem to come daily, and my submission is just so not there. I wish I knew why, or I wish I had more advice...lots of sympathy though. I know it's frustrating for you and him. For what it's worth, I don't think you're topping from the bottom, I think you're expressing a need, and it's something that can help both of you. I know it's frustrating to still feel out of sorts even after a couple spankings. I know your emotions are running high right now, my kids are still little, but I know the day they leave will be a difficult one.
Hugs
Hi Jennelle,
DeleteMy other kids are quite a bit younger so I am kind of all over the place with the different ages & stages-but it's funny how the time seems to fly when you are a mama! Thank you for your encouragement, I really appreciate it-I have been doing a lot of arm crossing when talking to Clark (a defense mechanism of mine) and he will stop me right away and say "before you go on, put your defenses down please". I must admit I was pretty floored when he did it the first time. He really is such a great husband & friend to me & I do struggle with feeling like I am a burden to him at times like these...we had maintenance last night & he was in super loving mode telling me over and over how much he loves me & that he is doing this (the spanking & DD) for us because he believes in it & loves how it deepens our connection, I was in tears before the spanking even started it wasn't very long or very hard and it was just with his hand but it really reached me & was exactly what we needed.
Thank you for lending your support-I look forward to getting to know you better!
Love,
Scarlet ; )
This is so hard! I are times when I do that, act out and have no reason why. Sometimes the harder I try to be "good" the worse I act. And there is no explanation! I wish I had some great awesome advise, but hello?!, this is Sarah. No advise here! Lol
ReplyDeleteI would suggest being open and honest with Clark. If you need a spanking, ask him. If you need an extra hour of sleep, ask for help with that. But really, keep communicating with Clark. Don't worry, you won't be topping from the bottom.
Good luck!
Thank you Sarah, what you said about communication is GREAT advice so don't sell yourself short girl! Yes, I sometimes have tag same problem of trying too hard to be good. & it somehow ending up going very bad lol! Oh well I'll keep trying...
DeleteThanks again!
Love,
Scarlet
This post brought tears to eyes. I totally understand about your firstborn son leaving home. Mine turns 21 in a couple of days and I cannot imagine that he is a man that no longer needs me but I still need him. Well, he needs me someway cause we are pretty close and we talk a lot. But in general he is on his own.
ReplyDeleteAnd the way you are behaving, I wihs that I could say that this never happens to me but I can't. I don't even have any advice for you. Topping from the bottom or having a script does not fly here. I know that I don't know how to express my feelings that are bottled up and I wish that Ty could just step in and make me feel okay. I feel like I can't even explain my feelings because he won't understand how and why I am feeling like this. I get the attitude and blow up on him or the kids. Then I feel bad and sometimes the spankings and lectures are just endured and not really getting to me.
If you find something that works, let me know. I hate when I feel this way so I can imagine how you are feeling. And then to top it off with Aunt Flo visiting, geez, this is really not something easy to work with.
Hugs to you and I will pray for you
Thanks Blondie, it helps to know I am not alone! I will also take all the prayers I can get ; ). I took my son shopping for some things for his dorm & made it through without crying lol so I guess that was some progress....except that as soon as I told my neighbors what we had been out doing I got all choked up-but at least my son didn't see! Clark and I had maintenance last night & it was a great session, he really made me feel so loved & it was also a very mild spanking so it was very easy to "feel the love" so to speak lol...we both write in journals after a spanking takes place (but last week was skipped so we are just getting back to it), we will be writing & then reading each other's entries tonight & that usually means we have a great talk, so I am looking forward to that.
DeleteThanks for your support!
Love,
Scarlet ; )
I absolutely get where you are comming from. I think our relationships with our sons are very special just as connections between dads and daughters. It is a tough time for you. Clark may not understand just exactly how you feel, but you need to let him in and share with him your thoughts. My first born son and only child is now a 36 year old on his own military man. He comes, he goes. It does get easier, but that deep feeling you get everytime they leave is always there, you just learn how to deal with it better. Closing yourself off in anger will only make things worse for you and for Clark. I understand even though we know we should submit, somehow our mind, heart, and emotions just don't connect. Thats when things get worse. Do your best to stay connected with Clark and allow him to support you as best he can during this time. Let us know how we can help you.
ReplyDeleteThank you Annabelle,
DeleteI truly appreciate you reaching out to me-it really means so much to me to know that I have other woman in all walks of life, in all different places & time zones who take the time to reach out & support. & encourage me during times of struggle, and applaude the good things...this community is just so loving! Thank you again for your kind words!
Love,
Scarlet ; )
Hi Scarlet, :) Big hugs sent your way. It is never easy to send our kids off. Sorry that it has been such a tough time for you. You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you got some wonderful advice above. Keep talking to that loving man of yours. Anything goes, as long as it is said respectfully, ya know. Sometimes we forget that our men love us with all of our warts and worries. When we do open up and ask for their help getting through something, they are usually right there with their love. From some of your replies, looks like Clark is right in there for you. I'm glad. :)
It's funny but guys really do look at things so differently. I was having a very tough moment concerning missing our son that is away the other eve. I was missing him and of course, it wasn't just that I was missing him now- I already had myself missing him at Christmas and missing him at holidays and on and on. I took it down a bunch of different paths. I was crying suddenly and Rob helped me to get back to the here and now with it. With words. Sharing that stuff with them helps them to help us in a much more effective way. Even when it feels hard to do it. If you can, it then doesn't tend to come out sideways as much, and lead us to OTK.
We are here for you. A new adventure is beginning for you and your son. Soon you will have wonderful stories to tell as your son shares his fun and joys. Our daughter just graduated from college and she had a wonderful four years. And we heard from her all the time. She is not living near us, but we are very much a part of her life. You will find that with your strong bond, the same will be of your son moving forward. :) In the meantime, we are here for you if you need us. Many hugs,
<3 Katie
Thanks Katie,
DeleteYou are right-I need to trust him more when I am feeling emotional weakness-this is outside of my comfort zone but I really need to do it anyway....
Thank you so much for your support, it really helps to hear from those who have been through it and "survived" lol!!
Love,
Scarlet ; )
I feel your pain. My daughter is leaving tomorrow. She is closing in on 22. Gosh I miss her already. My son moved out last month. He is 19. I feel the separation every day. I am so excited for them and even enjoy being an empty nester of sorts! Both come home periodically when school allow However I still freak out and get so very worried at times! Even as old as I am.... I still get PMS and emotional... My husband gets that deer in the headlights look, or takes a moment for an attitude adjustment. We don't really do DD, but attitude adjustments yes.
ReplyDeleteI know our husbands feel the separation of the kids as well. They just deal with it differently.
Keep talking to Clark. I'm sure together you will figure out something to help!