Intense Maintenance

I broke a rule Monday night totally accidentally & in my own defense it is a relatively new rule for us & even Clark forgot that it was an official rule...,.its a rule we made about keeping him in the loop where our children are concerned, for example if one of them wanted to go somewhere rather than me just saying yes or no I should talk to Clark and we should make the decision together, or if I get an email from a teacher whatever is in the email I need to disclose ASAP.  All of this may sound like a no brainer but we had gotten into the habit of me being the one that handled pretty much all the "kid related" stuff and sometimes that meant that Clark was left totally in the dark and many times it caused tension and arguments even after we started DD.  So recently we revamped our rules & that one got added.  

So back to my story, I broke the rule accidentally, it was a matter of me not remembering the rule & so I gave our son the green light to stop (quickly) for ice cream on his way home-he was coming home to finish some school related work that he had been putting off & it had to be done that night.  I told Clark what our son had asked & that I told him to be fast.  Initially Clark seemed ok about it but what should have been a 15-20 minute stop ended up to be an hour so Clark got really upset & since I was the one who let him go the aggravation/anger was directed at me.  I apologized but he wasn't really ready to hear it & said we would talk later which I thought meant I was in trouble.  Once our son was busy upstairs doing the pending assignments I sat quietly and waited for him to "sentence" me.  Instead, he started talking & said something very hurtful, it was a direct hit to my heart.  Tears sprang to my eyes instantly & I felt like I couldn't breath.  I just stood up and went to the kitchen & began to prepare food, he came in a few minutes later, rubbed my shoulders & kissed the top of my head so I really thought he was going to apologize for what he said, but he didn't.  I asked him how much trouble I was in and he got upset all over again saying he was just so aggravated that he couldn't even think about what it "fell under" (meaning he couldn't think of which one of the 5 D's this offense fell under).  I said okay & I apologized again.  He said he knew I was sorry but he was still upset, he said "I really thought we were on the same page but then you just let him go do something fun before getting his work done, work that should have been done a long time ago but he waited until the last minute to do!" And he walked away.  I understood why he was upset and I felt badly about having let him down, but I was still very hurt and upset about what he had said.  I finished making the food & served him in the living room then went back to the kitchen to clean up.  The more I thought about what he said the more upset I got until I felt like I would burst into tears at any second.  When he finished eating he came in to find me. "Are you ok?  You have been very quiet & you don't seem like yourself" he said.  Not stopping what I was doing I said "I'm ok." But it wasn't very convincing.  "I know you feel bad, but this seems like something more than that." He said. Still moving around busily I answered,  "I said I'm ok.  I don't really want to talk about this".  "Well I'm sorry Babygirl, but we need to talk". He replied, "well I don't want to" I insisted "I'm not ready" I threw in hoping he would let it go-I am still struggling a bit with being vulnerable to Clark when he has hurt my feelings, I really hate to cry in front of him at times like this because it makes me feel weak-I know that isn't really right of me to feel that way and it's nothing Clark has done to make me feel that way, but I haven't figured out how to change it yet.  "I want to respect your feelings and give you some space but first I need to know what it is that has you so upset.  Stop what you are doing and tell me what it is." He said firmly.  I tried to keep moving, I could feel the tears dangerously close to spilling out & I was fighting them hard "Scarlet O'Harra Kent!  Stop what you are doing and talk to me right NOW." He said very sternly.  "I don't...I can't..." I choked out as the tears started falling.  He stepped toward me and tried to pull me in for a hug.  "No," I said putting my hand up  " please don't touch me right now" being touched when I am crying just makes the floodgates open up. He stopped but said "Scarlet, I want to hold you, I want to comfort you. I need to comfort you." Tears rolling down I said "I don't want you to comfort me!  You said....you said.,.you said I was 'not a mom I was just his friend'!"  He looked shocked & said "what?? I said what??  That is NOT what I meant Scarlet!  I would never....I was really upset and I must have just mixed up my words.  What I said was not at ALL what I meant to say."  Let me just say that there are not many things that I feel confident in but being a mother is one of them (most of the time) it's very much attached to my identity, my sense of self worth, and to have him say what he said had been a direct hit to my heart. "What I meant to say was that he needs you to be his mom at times like these , not his friend.  I know you are both now that he is older, but all I meant to say was that you needed to be 'just a mom not a friend', but I was flustered and hungry and it came out backward without me even knowing it and I am so sorry.  I never meant to hurt you.  I feel sick that I said that and that you thought I meant that.  I think you are a wonderfull mother-you know that babygirl." I did let him hold me then & I cried on his chest.  We talked some more and revisited the fact that what caused all of this was the rule break, so a consequence was needed.  However, Clark felt that because of the miscommunication a punishment spanking would be too much, "tomorrow night you will get an extra maintenance session because I do want to enforce the rule, it will be intense maintenance but not a punishment because I made a mistake also and I was careless with my words.  I expect you to be careful of your words upset or not and I am not above that expectation." 

The maintenance was very intense, but Clark was very careful with his words as he lectured and reassured me, before, during, and after the spanking.  Even Heads of Households make mistakes-we are all only human.  We both felt better and more connected afterward, I was a little sore but my heart felt light ; )