Hi there, it's been a bit since I last posted or even read a blog...I have been really busy but that's not the reason for my absence. We have been having a bit of a tough time. Not just DD wise but overall relationship wise, I haven't felt like there was anything I could write about & share because I have been so confused. Sad & angry one minute & then happy & hopeful the next....it's been a roller coaster & not the fun kind. I know this community is here & supportive but I just feel very alone right now. I love my husband & he loves me, we will work it out, but the interim is really hard. I don't want to go into all the details & tell the whole long dawn out story but the overview is this; we communicate
VERY differently (even more than just the normal male vs. female differences). We were also raised was
VERY differently. Although we have been together a long time, it is still not something we have been able to correct
consistently. My MIL (mother in law) is a controlling tyrant. She is an ice queen & she has never had a real conversation with, or listened to my husband. My husband has never known true & unconditional love from the person who carried him & gave birth to him, he has always had to lie to her & hide his true self to avoid upsetting her. He has always avoided conflict & hidden his true feelings from her because he knew he would never "win". Unfortunately this has carried over into our relationship & so there are times that my husband is not honest with me & does not communicate his true feelings and/or intentions with me. I am a passionate "wear my heart on my sleeve" type person. I feel everything & I have very good instincts. I also have very serious trust issues so when I can feel dishonestly but can't place it I get scared start to panic & that makes me angry & sometimes leads to me becoming very irrational & loosing it-not something I am proud of. One of the things we have been working on with DD is my temper & "passionate outbursts" (for lack of a better term). Unfortunately when "passionate outburst girl" meets "avoid conflict & placate the aggressor boy" things just fall apart for us very quickly. I need honesty & open communication & he knows it but doesn't quite know
how to give that to me "under pressure". I have come a long way where my (hair trigger) temper is concerned, but honestly? I still have a ways to go. Clark has come a long way with learning to communicate with me, but he too has a ways to go. To be clear, he isn't dishonest about "important" things. He has always been faithful to me & our family, he doesn't blow money or gamble or go out til the wee hours of the morning. We always know where the other is, he doesn't make big decisions without talking things over with me. It's little things, it's down playing a situation where he is in the wrong, or making himself look better by embellishing a story. It's occationally going too far with something & then back peddling & denying, causing us to have a deep void between us, rather than just apologizing & being able to move forward together. When I am not in the moment-later on analyzing or what-have-you, I realize & can see how very sad it all is. In the moment I watch before my eyes as my big strong man becomes a panicked little boy, desperate to placate, avoid & end the conflict but only perpetuating it by furthering the dishonesty. Seeing that transformation causes me to feel out of control & then I panic as well. This is the vicious cycle we find ourselves caught in every so often, usually during times when things are more stressful for one reason or another. There have been a lot of these types of situations over the past few weeks & last week it got really bad, like pre DD us yelling & screaming & (me) swearing and finally I withdrew consent. Although we had agreed back in May when we redid our rules & contract that I would not withdraw concent again, I would just ask for the 24hr clause, we both felt that a withdrawal of consent was what made sense in this situation. We were able to communicate & made a lot of progress over the weekend, in coming up with some ideas, putting
plans in place, & identifying reasons & triggers for this awful cycle. Everything is not perfect, this will take time & a LOT of effort and commitment on both our parts in order to fix this issue long term. As far as DD goes, as we were about to fall asleep last night he could tell there was something on my mind although I hadn't quite worked out what I wanted to say & whispered "what is it babe?" I felt shy & nervous to ask the question but I hesitantly lifted my head off his shoulder & whispered haltingly in his ear, "are we-ah, are we going back?" "To DD you mean?" He asked me. I ducked my head & nodded into his chest. "My feelings haven't changed about this Babygirl. Yes, we will go back." I felt a mix of relief & nervousness settle into my stomach. "So...as of right now? Will I...will I get punished because of everything that happened while we weren't?" (Meaning the huge blowout we had had, my emotional eating fallout which breaks the rules we have (that I asked for) in place to help with my weight loss & just basically trying to live/eat in a healthier way, & a few other little things). "No, I am not going to punish you for this, it's already been painful enough for both of us. But...we should do something...." He replied. I shivered a little & he pulled me closer "a reset?" I asked (in the past they have typically been more intense physically than a punishment, but without the awful feeling that I have disappointed him). "Yes, I think a reset is what we will need to do." He said. Originally the reset was to happen tonight, but because of my curse (aka monthly visitor), he agreed to wait until it goes away to adminstor it....on one hand I hate waiting, but on the other, most of the time we are intimate after a spanking, but we are not when I have my curse, because I am so uncomfortable about it. I felt better this morning when we sent each other our customary good morning txts....Clark : "Good morning my Babygirl"
Me: "Good morning Sir".
(I had really missed them since I had pulled consent the week before).
Here is the recipe I promised:
Ricotta egg biscuits
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
1 container of ricotta cheese
2 sticks of butter
2 cups sugar
4 cups flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
Whip together softened butter, ricotta, vanilla, eggs & sugar.
Slowly add the dry mixture & mix in kitchen aid/electric mixer with a dough hook attachment till all flour is mixed and you have a smooth dough.
Drop by tablespoons on greased cookie sheets & bake at 350 degrees for 10-12 minutes.
Frosting for the top is just confectionary sugar and a little warm water-should be smooth and spreadable. You can use a few drops of food coloring to make them more festive!
Enjoy!
Love,
Scarlet ; )
Oh Scarlet - I'm so sorry. What a difficult situation for you both!! I think a HUGE step is that you both recognize your faults and aren't just pointing the finger. Also, it's so good that you didn't give up. That you talked and kept talking, made plans to help this in the future. That is huge!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad things are better. I sincerely hope that the plans you've made will make a big difference. I hope that next time it won't go this far. And I'm glad you feel better and are back to some normality (sending sweet texts.) :)
Thanks for letting us know - keep us posted. And let us know what we can do to help (while you're in the midst of it all.)
Hug
Thanks Sarah,
DeleteI really truly appreciate your support-I was really struggling with reaching out, I don't know why but when I am feeling super low I feel like if I reach out I will just be a burden to people. I also worry about making my husband look bad-I do try to be just as honest about my own faults as I am about his. No one is perfect but we are worth making the effort, he is worth it.
Thank you again Sarah, your words really mean a lot.
Love,
Scarlet ; )
Aww Scarlet, I am so sorry that you are going through this situation. I am glad that you are communicating and have found yourselves ready to keep going forward. I agree- back to texting is a great step, as is your plan.
ReplyDeleteOh when I read this I felt sad. I KNOW all about this in every way. My MIL was the same/abusive and my husband learned to duck and cover as a little boy instead of deal with things. It caused problems because he also did not stick up for me in the presence of his family. He has forgiven her and we interact/and have taught our children to be repectful and loving. But when Rob and I had issues in the past, it made me feel so angry inside. I have always been loving and supportive and step in and get along. But after one particular time I had a very hard time with being around her. It is because of her that when things in the past came up, Rob would completely shut down. Honestly I think that it is what helped him survive as a child. He needed to be able to do that. When things came up in our relationship, he would not listen and not deal. I would often get frustrated and that would make me cry. Things would fall apart. I would circle back around and try to talk about stuff and it was messy. It was hard.
They say that to love is to understand. And I you recognize why he is that way. That is a lot of the battle. From there we can change what WE do, and how WE react. That is the second part of it all. The rest needs to come from them and their understanding. Honestly there was a turning point I think with Rob. One day he was upset about something with his family. And I told him, "You have me." And he hugged me and told me that yes he did. A very poignant and vulnerable moment. And it was up hill from then. This was around the time that we started in with ttwd. Before I asked him to spank and he told me that he would have to lead. Such powerful stuff. But we have to change us to help them. And hopefully the rest follows because we love them and are patient. Oh it breaks my heart to know that children grow up in such a way. I hope some of this helps somehow. I don't know all the answers but things did get so much better for us. We are all different, but some things can help sometimes. At least knowing that someone else has been there.
Thanks for the recipe. Looks delicious! If I can ever lend an ear, shoot me an email or say hi. Many hugs,
<3 Katie
Thank you Katie,
DeleteIt really does help to know that someone else has been through something similar & their relationship not only survived but thrived!
I am so sorry that Rob suffered as a child, it is extremely hard for me to stomach also. In my husband's case is was emotional abuse not physical, but the effects are so lasting, and she really is still doing many of the things she did to him as a child. It has diminished considerably since we have been together, but she still tries shake his confidence & make him feel like he is not a man capable of standing on his own two feet & making decisions for himself & his family. I have had to bite my tongue so many times when I want to defend him to her, but I felt that me stepping in would just make what she was doing worse, that it would look like I didn't have faith in him either. Thank you for sharing that special moment you and Rob shared, my quote to Clark is "it's you and me against the world".
Thank you again Katie.
Love,
Scarlet ; )
Hey Scarlet...I'm sorry you and Clark have had such a rough time but am happy to read that you are on the right track and moving forward. Communication is rough to begin with and then adding in underlying issues from childhood...tough. You two will get through this I'm sure. Thanks for sharing the recipe...looks very yummy!
ReplyDeleteHugs and Blessings...
Cat
Thank you so much for the support Cat-I really appreciate it! We need all the cheerleaders we can get so thank you again!!
DeleteI hope you enjoy the biscuits as much as I do!
Love,
Scarlet ; )
*" In the moment I watch before my eyes as my big strong man becomes a panicked little boy, desperate to placate, avoid & end the conflict but only perpetuating it by furthering the dishonesty. Seeing that transformation causes me to feel out of control & then I panic as well. This is the vicious cycle we find ourselves caught in every so often, usually during times when things are more stressful for one reason or another."*
ReplyDeleteBarney may not have come from the beginnings that Clark did, but I can relate/ we can relate to much of the above statement. When my husband ( and some women would say chooses leniency) are not the constant. the solid foundation we require of them during times of stress, it in and of itself can be a stressor. Regardless of the reason, and I can well imagine because you KNOW his reason it builds more of a guilt for not being 'able to handle it yourself'. it is unsettling for us. We feel like we have put ourselves outside of our comfort zone 24/7 and when we REALLY need them, they aren't there.
In quiet and calm times we can rationalize why this happens with them. If only we can listen to the smaller, quieter voice inside us during times of strain. Unfortunately emotions scream louder than reason.
My lame attempt at a suggestion, when things are quiet, life is a tad less bumpy ask him questions. Ask him what you can do during those times? Ask him if he realizes what happens, if there is a time where he feels things 'click' in him and he goes from HOH to the young man who dealt with his mother. Ask him to trust you to not lash out at him if he steps up ( um this one will be difficult for both no doubt).
It is so very difficult to bury the past. There is a reason for that~ because eventually you have to deal with it emotionally. I know YOU know this more than many of us. You also know that strength, love and pure stubbornness at times will get you through. Don't let him hide Scarlet. Put on your miner's helmet and go looking for him! Tell him you are not his mother and you WANT him to stop not shy away from confrontation. Keep telling him that .
It has taken Barney a very LONG time, and we still have issues with me and distancing and he and finding me....but one foot in front of the other and things are slightly better. You know the old saying, " How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time".
Love
willie
Thanks Williy, you are right-one step at a time is the ONLY way to get through this kind of situation....you are also right that I feel ALOT if guilt after I have lost it in the moment. Once the dust has settled & I can look at the whole picture I then see what I "should" have done, how I "could" have handled it & I am ashamed & sad that I let me emotions get the better of me....it's at times like these when I wish he would just tell me that what I did wasn't ok & that he is going to hold me accountable, but it's usually these times where he has trouble punishing & I have to be the one to basically list all my errors in the situation & "proove" I deserve punishment. Sometimes this is just part of me processing the situation & I don't mind it but others...it's hard to "tell on myself", I feel one of two ways A.) like a burden & like I am trying to control the situation & top from the bottom by pretty much telling him I should be punished.
DeleteOr B.) resentful, & hurt-if it's not important enough to him that I not behave that way, why are we doing this? Why should I subject myself to this if HE doesn't even really think it's necessary?
Neither are great, I try really hard not to fall into those traps but instead strive for C.) trusting him. Plain & (not so) simple for me but necessary to live this life....
Thanks again Willy, I won't give up!
Love,
Scarlet ; )
I really do understand A) Seems so contradictory to what we both agreed to but seems the only way to 'growth' for anyone B) means remaining silent, staying in suspended animation and feeling that hole that somehow has a weight to it in your stomach. C) really isn't much different than B feeling wise at times.
DeleteI think that A) or some version of it is the less painful way to go, to talk about it after it has passed and let him decide. If nothing else a reset to reaffirm roles as opposed to a punishment. Perhaps some day he will see the value in the punishment after the fact, but both might be set back on track with r/a ( which by the sounds of it is what is going to happen). The war within with A) is the difficult thing to get over. BUT the communication with A is what removes the hole and weight.
Good luck Scarlet!
I thought I wrote this the other day & just realized I hadn't lol-
DeleteI should have been more clear, when I was talking about option C.) I meant that to kind of be coupled with A.). Meaning that I would go to him & be vulnerable & let him know what rules I felt I had broken & then trust him to do what he thinks is needed.
I have to also say that in this particular case I actually am glad it will be a reset & not a punishment because I was so deeply hurt by the issues that led up to & ultimately caused the meltdown that I feel like I wouldn't respond well to a punishment this time. I know that I am responsible for my own reactions, but I am only human & I can only handle being pushed so far until I snap. He feels that punishment for my reaction to this wouldn't be right because it was a repeat offense on his part. Maybe we will both feel differently another time, but this time he felt that although I was screaming & swearing it was for emphasis & not name calling etc....I have gotten better. I didn't try to cut him down I just told him very explosively how I felt & what I thought about dishonesty-could I have done a better job? Oh yes, I could have, but there were some other factors that came into play here that just really tipped the scales & he said he is actually proud that although I lost it, it was MUCH tamer than pre DD. Again, I'm not really proud of that, but I am making progress.
Thanks again Willy, your responses always make me think more about my thoughts, feelings, & actions-I truly appreciate it!
Wow!!! Thanks for taking the time to write this all down. I no longer feel like I am standing here alone. I just want to weep as I think I know how you feel. Thank you for sharing
ReplyDeleteHoping and praying for peace in your hearts and in your home soon.
Alice
I am glad you feel less alone Alice, I do too after writing it-my first instinct when I am hurting like this is to pull away but that only makes me feel worse in the end-when I do reach out here I feel less alone & then it's a bit easier to deal with what I am going through....now if I could just remember that when I am in the thick of it! I just read your post & my comment it kind of lengthy but I hope it's helpful lol!
DeleteLove,
Scarlet ; )
Hi Scarlet, first of all I am sorry for my late comment. What you write about your husband’s childhood is a tragedy which affects him and you up to the present. Not knowing unconditional love, not feeling it, sounds plain horrible to me. Some of the problems that you have in communicating are obviously easier to deal with, but when this goes down to the core of you and him, I can see that this must be so extremely hard to deal with for you. I am fully with you and absolutely see where your frustration comes from.
ReplyDeleteAlthough a little late, I can only say ‘Hang in there’, because you two have already come such a long way and you communicate better than ever before. There are issues to deal with, sure, but you know about them and work on them, which means you actively do so much to improve the situation. For me, this sounds lovely.
Although what you wrote at the beginning was really gloomy for me, I think what you described about your husband and yourself is something very hopeful and positive. There is a way you can follow, you see this way and use it. And I am with Willie here, if your husband leaves the way, go looking for him to take him onto the right track. I for one am sure that you are on it. Never give up!
hugs
Nina
Thanks Ni Na,
DeleteYour comment means a lot to me-yes we are much better than we were before & I will never give up. In fact, I txted him at one point and said "I know everything is not perfect but I am not giving up on you. We are worth it. You are worth it. I love you." He was so overwhelmed at that point that he dropped what he was doing & came to me for a hug. He is learning about unconditional love from me, it was one of the things he loved about me when we first got together-he could see it in how I interacted with my family (not that they are all perfect lol-but we do have that), and he was attracted to what he saw. It's very hard when we are in the thick of it, but we are both trying & eventually we will work through this. It's going to be ok (my mantra to help myself through the hard times).
Thanks again!
Love,
Scarlet ; )
Hi Scarlet,
ReplyDeleteJust saying hi. Have you on my new blogger list. :)
Hi Susie,
DeleteThanks for stopping in to say hi & for adding me to your blogger list ; )