Maintenance missed

I know maintenance is not right for everyone but it (mostly) works for us.

When I first presented the idea of maintenance to Clark he was a little hesitant, he couldn't wrap his head around spanking me when I hadn't done anything wrong if it wasn't a fun & sexy kind of spanking.  But we had several conversations over a few weeks and I would give examples of times where maintenance might be helpful, and unfortunately (for both of us), we had a week where I got punished almost every day for various infractions but many that centered around attitude & disrespect (I am ashamed to say).  We were very connected but exhausted from the emotional roller coaster that comes with punishment.  We had another long discussion & Clark asked some very specific questions about maintenance and decided we would start having a session every Saturday night.  There was a noticeable positive effect which seemed to last a few days each time, and greatly reduced the frequency of punishment.  We hit a very rough patch a few months ago with not having enough time together due to work & kids & life & we needed to sit down & revamp everything DD related & at that time Clark decided that maintenance needed to be upped to 2 days a week. So Wednesday  night was added as the second maintenance night.  It was hard at first to admit that it was what I needed but when I went 5 weeks without a punishment & then 6 weeks it became pretty clear to both of us that this was in fact what I needed-correction-what we needed.  Clark is very adamant about maintenance being something that we both need & he stresses that in the lecture he gives both before and during the spanking.  

We had had several late nights in a row and a long conversation late Friday night/early Saturday morning about many things including the fact that I couldn't handle staying up as late as we had been as I was starting to feel physically & mentally run down.  It was a good conversation, we both felt heard but it was another very late night, & we had to be up early the next morning, so we went to bed without any reconnecting activities.  We had a very busy day and due to being tired, didn't really handle a few situations as well as we could have.  We got home much later than we planned that night and it was after midnight once we had the kids in bed and were officially "alone".  "It's already after midnight baby girl," Clark began, "so we are not going to do maintenance tonight, we will try for tomorrow night instead.  We just talked last night about the late nights and so I wanted to talk to you about it & be clear that we will just move maintenance to tomorrow rather than not communicating what I was thinking and going to bed."  I felt upset that we wouldn't be doing maintenance because I felt like we had had a stressful day and I had been hoping we would have time to reconnect, but I also wanted to be his good girl & follow his lead and not question or push when he was trying to honor the commitment he had made the night before to help me to get more rest. Another emotion added on top of this conflict inside me was fear.  We had been very inconsistant which was one of the reasons for adding maintenance in our relationship, and I was very afraid of going back to that inconsistant frustrating place that we had been before.  So I took a few deep breaths and say "Yes Sir, thank you Sir, I am very tired."  Now some of you may think that it was dishonest to keep these thoughts to myself and instead say what I said, but I felt that what I was choosing to do at that moment was to not shake my husband's confidence by adding those emotional responses to the situation.  As I said we were both very tired and I felt that holding back for that moment was what I needed to do. I needed to let my husband's words be the final ones for that night.  We snuggled and fell asleep.  The next day was another busy one, but being a work night we did get home and get the kids in bed at a much more reasonable time.  Once we were alone Clark told me to go use the bathroom if I needed to and then meet him in the basement.  He didn't forget, he didn't push it off another night, and we actually didn't have too much tension throughout the day because we had slept and felt much more refreshed.  I felt very good about the choice I had made the night before to hold off on voicing my concerns.  Maintenance for us has always been done with "just" his hand, but I recently made some new implements and Clark decided that from now on we will be using different implements for part of our maintenance spankings so that he is able to become more comfortable with & gage the effectiveness of our implements in a non punishment setting.  I was really nervous because it was new, but Clark did a wonderful job of reassuring me and then he began.  It was intense, but it ended up to be a great session.  We had an even better time reconnecting once the spanking was over ; ) & I went to bed very happy, content & submissive.  We both write in our journals after any spanking that takes place & then read what the other has written to help each other know what was going on internally before, during and after the spanking.  So it was there that I told my husband about my emotional struggle with his decision to move maintenance, but that I felt that the outcome was a  very positive one for both of us.  He was pleased with my effort to follow his lead even when it initially felt "wrong" to me, and he thanked me for not second guessing him and causing him to doubt his decision.  I may not always have an easy time following his lead & he may not always have an easy time leading but I was very proud of us this time around & it really made me want to try even harder to follow him when it's "uncomfortable" to do so.  Oh, and the new implement?  It was a loopy Johnny & yeah it HURT!  It felt like I had a sunburn on my bum all the next day....which I told him in txt, but I followed up by saying "but, it's a good reminder, so thank you Sir" and his response was "sorry it feels like a sun burn honey, but I am glad I could help my Babygirl".  

And that is just what he did ; )

Holding hands across the country....

Yesterday was a special day for me, it marked a "first" between myself and  a new, but very dear friend of mine, Sass of misssassafrass.blogspot.com.  We got to talk for real on the phone!  I found her blog a while back commented and started emailing her which lead to txting & finally to our first phone call.  I was very nervous when I called her, more nervous when she didn't pick up & shaking with nervousness when she called me back two minutes later.  But as soon as I heard her voice I was just instantly at peace.  I loved every minute of our almost hour conversation, we never had even one moment of akward silence, it was as if we had talked a million times before.  Then it hit me, we had talked a million times before, we just hadn't heard each other's voices all the other times.  We were both already invested in each other's lives and so the flow was totally natural.  We spoke again today, of music, our dad's, our wedding days, and then later on via txt I bared my soul to her and shared some things with her that only the closest people in my life know.  Things that are hard to talk about, things that bring up all kinds of hard emotional responses that just plain suck!  But although this conversation all happened via txt I felt as though she was right there at my kitchen table with me, holding my hand as I talked about a part of my life that I wish I could remove from my memory.  She said she wished she could hug me and cry with me. She reminded me that God loves me and has a plan for me.  She reminded me that my husband and children love me, and then, she told me she loved me too.  I feel truly blessed to have found her & it may not be this year, but some time in the not so distant future I know we will get to chat face to face!  Until that day, I will be there holding her hand in spirit, sending her virtual hugs, and thanking God daily for putting her in my life-I love you too Sass!
Love,
Scarlet

Intense Maintenance

I broke a rule Monday night totally accidentally & in my own defense it is a relatively new rule for us & even Clark forgot that it was an official rule...,.its a rule we made about keeping him in the loop where our children are concerned, for example if one of them wanted to go somewhere rather than me just saying yes or no I should talk to Clark and we should make the decision together, or if I get an email from a teacher whatever is in the email I need to disclose ASAP.  All of this may sound like a no brainer but we had gotten into the habit of me being the one that handled pretty much all the "kid related" stuff and sometimes that meant that Clark was left totally in the dark and many times it caused tension and arguments even after we started DD.  So recently we revamped our rules & that one got added.  

So back to my story, I broke the rule accidentally, it was a matter of me not remembering the rule & so I gave our son the green light to stop (quickly) for ice cream on his way home-he was coming home to finish some school related work that he had been putting off & it had to be done that night.  I told Clark what our son had asked & that I told him to be fast.  Initially Clark seemed ok about it but what should have been a 15-20 minute stop ended up to be an hour so Clark got really upset & since I was the one who let him go the aggravation/anger was directed at me.  I apologized but he wasn't really ready to hear it & said we would talk later which I thought meant I was in trouble.  Once our son was busy upstairs doing the pending assignments I sat quietly and waited for him to "sentence" me.  Instead, he started talking & said something very hurtful, it was a direct hit to my heart.  Tears sprang to my eyes instantly & I felt like I couldn't breath.  I just stood up and went to the kitchen & began to prepare food, he came in a few minutes later, rubbed my shoulders & kissed the top of my head so I really thought he was going to apologize for what he said, but he didn't.  I asked him how much trouble I was in and he got upset all over again saying he was just so aggravated that he couldn't even think about what it "fell under" (meaning he couldn't think of which one of the 5 D's this offense fell under).  I said okay & I apologized again.  He said he knew I was sorry but he was still upset, he said "I really thought we were on the same page but then you just let him go do something fun before getting his work done, work that should have been done a long time ago but he waited until the last minute to do!" And he walked away.  I understood why he was upset and I felt badly about having let him down, but I was still very hurt and upset about what he had said.  I finished making the food & served him in the living room then went back to the kitchen to clean up.  The more I thought about what he said the more upset I got until I felt like I would burst into tears at any second.  When he finished eating he came in to find me. "Are you ok?  You have been very quiet & you don't seem like yourself" he said.  Not stopping what I was doing I said "I'm ok." But it wasn't very convincing.  "I know you feel bad, but this seems like something more than that." He said. Still moving around busily I answered,  "I said I'm ok.  I don't really want to talk about this".  "Well I'm sorry Babygirl, but we need to talk". He replied, "well I don't want to" I insisted "I'm not ready" I threw in hoping he would let it go-I am still struggling a bit with being vulnerable to Clark when he has hurt my feelings, I really hate to cry in front of him at times like this because it makes me feel weak-I know that isn't really right of me to feel that way and it's nothing Clark has done to make me feel that way, but I haven't figured out how to change it yet.  "I want to respect your feelings and give you some space but first I need to know what it is that has you so upset.  Stop what you are doing and tell me what it is." He said firmly.  I tried to keep moving, I could feel the tears dangerously close to spilling out & I was fighting them hard "Scarlet O'Harra Kent!  Stop what you are doing and talk to me right NOW." He said very sternly.  "I don't...I can't..." I choked out as the tears started falling.  He stepped toward me and tried to pull me in for a hug.  "No," I said putting my hand up  " please don't touch me right now" being touched when I am crying just makes the floodgates open up. He stopped but said "Scarlet, I want to hold you, I want to comfort you. I need to comfort you." Tears rolling down I said "I don't want you to comfort me!  You said....you said.,.you said I was 'not a mom I was just his friend'!"  He looked shocked & said "what?? I said what??  That is NOT what I meant Scarlet!  I would never....I was really upset and I must have just mixed up my words.  What I said was not at ALL what I meant to say."  Let me just say that there are not many things that I feel confident in but being a mother is one of them (most of the time) it's very much attached to my identity, my sense of self worth, and to have him say what he said had been a direct hit to my heart. "What I meant to say was that he needs you to be his mom at times like these , not his friend.  I know you are both now that he is older, but all I meant to say was that you needed to be 'just a mom not a friend', but I was flustered and hungry and it came out backward without me even knowing it and I am so sorry.  I never meant to hurt you.  I feel sick that I said that and that you thought I meant that.  I think you are a wonderfull mother-you know that babygirl." I did let him hold me then & I cried on his chest.  We talked some more and revisited the fact that what caused all of this was the rule break, so a consequence was needed.  However, Clark felt that because of the miscommunication a punishment spanking would be too much, "tomorrow night you will get an extra maintenance session because I do want to enforce the rule, it will be intense maintenance but not a punishment because I made a mistake also and I was careless with my words.  I expect you to be careful of your words upset or not and I am not above that expectation." 

The maintenance was very intense, but Clark was very careful with his words as he lectured and reassured me, before, during, and after the spanking.  Even Heads of Households make mistakes-we are all only human.  We both felt better and more connected afterward, I was a little sore but my heart felt light ; )

Where to begin...

Hi, my name is Scarlet & I am in a DD marriage with my wonderful husband Clark who is my very own Superman ; )

I have been reading many different blogs for the past two years and wanting to start my own but always hesitating because I was nervous about keeping my anonymity-but I have been encouraged by Clark as well as a few women that I have emailed with back and forth, but especially one woman who although she never has pushed me has let me know she is excited for me & has been there for me & helped me process things and I am very greatful to her for her gentle nudges toward starting my own blog-thank you Sass!

How & when did DD start for us?  Well, officially it has been a little over two years that we have been working toward this dynamic, but for me my submission & my journey toward accepting that I am happiest when being submissive has been going on ALOT longer.

Clark is a gentle giant who would never in his wildest dreams have imagined that he would ever spank his wife.  When I first asked him to it was as part of  lighthearted foreplay and nothing else.  I felt that there was something wrong with me for wanting/needing it and so although I felt that something was missing I just kept that to myself & pretended it was just a kink of mine, I was very afraid that my (then) extremely vanilla husband would think less of me & reject me so I just let it be for fun for a very long time.  We didn't do it all the time just on & off, but it got to a point where I began to be frustrated with the fact that it always seemed to end before I got what I was needing from it.  It was shortly after the second of our three children was born that we hit a VERY rough patch in our marriage.  We still had sex but I was not interested at all which was very upsetting because my drive had always been very high and all of a sudden it was non-existent.  We got to this rough patch slowly but once we got there it was really awful all at once.  I had become a person that I really didn't like, I felt very alone & like all the responsibility for our home & children was on me.  I was mean to my husband & he accepted it.  I knew how to tear him down very well.  I am ashamed of it still, but at the time I felt totally justified because my husband wasn't "living up to" what I thought he  "should be" doing as a husband & father.  We went to marriage counseling for a little while & it helped some but we still weren't quite right.  I had always had a very special relationship with my paternal grandmother, she was more like a mother than grandmother to me & I looked up to, & respected her very much.  She was always submissive to my grandfather and they were happily married for over 60 years!  So I talked to her about marriage and slowly I started looking at things differently where my husband was concerned.  I lost her suddenly just over 2yrs ago & I was totally devastated.  We were also trying to get pregnant & having a hard time so things were super stressful and then a friend suggested I read 50 Shades of Gray.  So I did & although the books are not great, they were very helpful to my husband and I because they opened up a dialog that eventually lead to me researching "dominance", "submission", "spanking", and eventually I found domestic discipline blogs and although I was initially horrified, I shared it all with Clark.  Then I finally let myself be honest with myself.  I knew this was what I wanted, to be held accountable, to be loved and cherished and protected and dominated.  I told my husband that I wanted to try it. & he told me that he would be willing to try anything for me.  Anything that would make me keep smiling the way I had been since I read the books & started the research.  So we began, and it's been a long hall!  We have had many ups and downs but we are working together & I no longer feel alone, I know I have my own personal Superman in Clark & we will get past any obstical as long as we work together!