Hi there, it's been a bit since I last posted or even read a blog...I have been really busy but that's not the reason for my absence. We have been having a bit of a tough time. Not just DD wise but overall relationship wise, I haven't felt like there was anything I could write about & share because I have been so confused. Sad & angry one minute & then happy & hopeful the next....it's been a roller coaster & not the fun kind. I know this community is here & supportive but I just feel very alone right now. I love my husband & he loves me, we will work it out, but the interim is really hard. I don't want to go into all the details & tell the whole long dawn out story but the overview is this; we communicate
VERY differently (even more than just the normal male vs. female differences). We were also raised was
VERY differently. Although we have been together a long time, it is still not something we have been able to correct
consistently. My MIL (mother in law) is a controlling tyrant. She is an ice queen & she has never had a real conversation with, or listened to my husband. My husband has never known true & unconditional love from the person who carried him & gave birth to him, he has always had to lie to her & hide his true self to avoid upsetting her. He has always avoided conflict & hidden his true feelings from her because he knew he would never "win". Unfortunately this has carried over into our relationship & so there are times that my husband is not honest with me & does not communicate his true feelings and/or intentions with me. I am a passionate "wear my heart on my sleeve" type person. I feel everything & I have very good instincts. I also have very serious trust issues so when I can feel dishonestly but can't place it I get scared start to panic & that makes me angry & sometimes leads to me becoming very irrational & loosing it-not something I am proud of. One of the things we have been working on with DD is my temper & "passionate outbursts" (for lack of a better term). Unfortunately when "passionate outburst girl" meets "avoid conflict & placate the aggressor boy" things just fall apart for us very quickly. I need honesty & open communication & he knows it but doesn't quite know
how to give that to me "under pressure". I have come a long way where my (hair trigger) temper is concerned, but honestly? I still have a ways to go. Clark has come a long way with learning to communicate with me, but he too has a ways to go. To be clear, he isn't dishonest about "important" things. He has always been faithful to me & our family, he doesn't blow money or gamble or go out til the wee hours of the morning. We always know where the other is, he doesn't make big decisions without talking things over with me. It's little things, it's down playing a situation where he is in the wrong, or making himself look better by embellishing a story. It's occationally going too far with something & then back peddling & denying, causing us to have a deep void between us, rather than just apologizing & being able to move forward together. When I am not in the moment-later on analyzing or what-have-you, I realize & can see how very sad it all is. In the moment I watch before my eyes as my big strong man becomes a panicked little boy, desperate to placate, avoid & end the conflict but only perpetuating it by furthering the dishonesty. Seeing that transformation causes me to feel out of control & then I panic as well. This is the vicious cycle we find ourselves caught in every so often, usually during times when things are more stressful for one reason or another. There have been a lot of these types of situations over the past few weeks & last week it got really bad, like pre DD us yelling & screaming & (me) swearing and finally I withdrew consent. Although we had agreed back in May when we redid our rules & contract that I would not withdraw concent again, I would just ask for the 24hr clause, we both felt that a withdrawal of consent was what made sense in this situation. We were able to communicate & made a lot of progress over the weekend, in coming up with some ideas, putting
plans in place, & identifying reasons & triggers for this awful cycle. Everything is not perfect, this will take time & a LOT of effort and commitment on both our parts in order to fix this issue long term. As far as DD goes, as we were about to fall asleep last night he could tell there was something on my mind although I hadn't quite worked out what I wanted to say & whispered "what is it babe?" I felt shy & nervous to ask the question but I hesitantly lifted my head off his shoulder & whispered haltingly in his ear, "are we-ah, are we going back?" "To DD you mean?" He asked me. I ducked my head & nodded into his chest. "My feelings haven't changed about this Babygirl. Yes, we will go back." I felt a mix of relief & nervousness settle into my stomach. "So...as of right now? Will I...will I get punished because of everything that happened while we weren't?" (Meaning the huge blowout we had had, my emotional eating fallout which breaks the rules we have (that I asked for) in place to help with my weight loss & just basically trying to live/eat in a healthier way, & a few other little things). "No, I am not going to punish you for this, it's already been painful enough for both of us. But...we should do something...." He replied. I shivered a little & he pulled me closer "a reset?" I asked (in the past they have typically been more intense physically than a punishment, but without the awful feeling that I have disappointed him). "Yes, I think a reset is what we will need to do." He said. Originally the reset was to happen tonight, but because of my curse (aka monthly visitor), he agreed to wait until it goes away to adminstor it....on one hand I hate waiting, but on the other, most of the time we are intimate after a spanking, but we are not when I have my curse, because I am so uncomfortable about it. I felt better this morning when we sent each other our customary good morning txts....Clark : "Good morning my Babygirl"
Me: "Good morning Sir".
(I had really missed them since I had pulled consent the week before).
Here is the recipe I promised:
Ricotta egg biscuits
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
1 container of ricotta cheese
2 sticks of butter
2 cups sugar
4 cups flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
Whip together softened butter, ricotta, vanilla, eggs & sugar.
Slowly add the dry mixture & mix in kitchen aid/electric mixer with a dough hook attachment till all flour is mixed and you have a smooth dough.
Drop by tablespoons on greased cookie sheets & bake at 350 degrees for 10-12 minutes.
Frosting for the top is just confectionary sugar and a little warm water-should be smooth and spreadable. You can use a few drops of food coloring to make them more festive!
Enjoy!
Love,
Scarlet ; )
