Feeling like a failure

When I was younger some bad things happened to me that should never happen to anyone but unfortunately they do-they happen all the time.  These things happened so long ago that it almost feels like a different life time, and yet these things still effect me.  They still effect my husband, and he has to deal with it even though he had no part in it at all.  This makes me feel weak, and angry and like a failure.  It is something that I have been working on & Clark has been trying to help me with the whole time we have been together & there are some days where I feel I have come a long way.  But, there are other times that I feel like I haven't improved one little bit, and again I feel like I am failing to move on.  These horrible moments usually hit me when Clark and I are being intimate.  The worst part is that I usually have no idea that it is coming & then my demons come for me & make me feel like I am that scared kid again and lock me up inside my own head and I just cannot manage to give Clark a heads up, everything is fine and then I am sobbing, sometimes babbling incoherently, and he is left, as he puts it "like a deer in headlights" at least for a few seconds until his inner superman kicks in & then he is calming, comforting, & holding me.  Talking to & gently pulling me back to him.  But when I am back to him mentally & I look at him  & see the look in his eyes; one of sorrow & a bit of helplessness, I feel that terrible sick feeling in my belly that I have let him down.  I have ruined our intimate moment by allowing my past to creep up on me & crash our party.  I am angry with myself for letting these old experiences paralyze me. I know he doesn't feel this way about the situation, far from it!  He tells me that he loves me and we will work through/get through it together, he tells me he is proud of how far I have come & that he knows I can overcome this & he will do whatever he can to help me.  I also know that if another woman-even a random stranger I just met told me she felt this way I would tell her that she was being way too hard on herself.  I would tell her she needed to forgive herself & trust her man.  I know these things are the right way to look at & deal with this.  I just cannot seem to truly forgive myself for being a kid, for ignoring my first instinct, for being scared, for not being able to stop it, and most importantly for not being able to get over it.  I have talked to a counselor about this (but it was long ago).  I have talked to my husband, I have talked to my "real life" best friend "Dove", and I have talked to my new friend Sass.  Sass has helped me to make some headway that I have been unable to make in the past 23 years and for that I am so very thankful.  She suggested something that no one else has thought to suggest up to now and I am working on taking her up on her suggestion.  I have talked it over with Clark and he is on board, I know I can talk it over with Sass, or Dove even, anytime I need a listening ear.  It will not be a short road but it will be worth it in the end if I can finally stop feeling like a failure.  

Happy 4th!!!

Happy July 4th to all of you!  Hope you are all getting to spend time with family and/or friends, eat yummy food & see some fireworks!  We will be doing all the above-except we may actually skip the fireworks and make some of our own (wink wink)!! We have TWO yes TWO  (nearly) kid free nights!!  The older two will be gone having a ton of fun with grandparents, uncles and cousins so we will just have the baby-yay!!! I just love having time alone with my man!  We will see the kids at the various events all weekend but have the nights to ourselves-woo hoo!!  

Have a wonderful & safe weekend!

What is everyone else doing?